This Year, Train Your Body To Tolerate More Pain With Vicodin!

January 28, 2019 by , featured in Health
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It’s 2019, and that means you’re slobbering with borderline psychotic intensity to get started on your New Year’s resolution and be your new best self! Well, we’ve got the scoop on the hottest new wellness trend sweeping wine bars and hookah lounges across the world—completely eliminating the limitations of the physical realm by training your body to feel no pain… with Vicodin!

All of us have felt held back by our inadequate meat shells from time to time. Some of us are trying to juggle a demanding work, training, and social media influencing schedule so that we never have to spend longer than 15 minutes at home with our children. Some of us are storming out onto the tarmac to vigorously flap our arms after being bumped from first class. No matter how you spend your time this step-by-step guide will help you transcend the physical realm by conditioning your body to tolerate more pain than can conceivably be delivered by any one source, effectively making you a perpetual energy machine and probably also bulletproof.

Find The Right Guru

You can’t unlock the mystery of a pain-free existence on your own. You need to find a sufficiently enlightened guru who also has a solid Vicodin source. Many gurus of this specific qualification deal exclusively in bitcoin. Be sure your cryptocurrency wallets are in order before your visit. The guru will teach you ancient techniques to keep your mind rooted in the now, and also which liquids best dissolve Vicodin in its powdered form for maximum delivery.

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Go 100% Liquid With These Cleansing Smoothie Recipes

In order to cast pain out of your body like a cat that just shit on the carpet you’ll need to dive into an intense all-liquid full-body cleanse. Here are our favorite smoothie recipes to help wash those pain-amplifying toxins from your system using nothing but all-natural ingredients and generous handfuls of Vicodin.

The Carrot Wake Up Blend – This carrot smoothie will give you a much-needed morning energy boost while scalding the pain receptors out of your brain. Simply blend 1 whole carrot with 1 tsp of ginseng and 80 milligrams of Vicodin. Now you’re ready to face the day free from the shackles of pain, and from most forms of physical sensation.

Date Night – When you need a protein boost, toss a couple of dates and 1 cup of egg whites into your blender, and then sprinkle in 12 to 14 Vicodin tablets. Knock back your healthy concoction with the knowledge that you’re chasing pain away with each trembling, skin-tingling swallow.

Work These Yoga Positions To Banish Pain From Your Soul

Your guru will likely provide you with some suggestions of his own, but here are some of the Bunny Ears approved poses to help you armor your spirit against the very concept of pain.

The Pensive Horse – Begin in child’s pose, then extend one leg out behind you while bending the opposite arm behind your head. Reach your neck out to put your nose in contact with the line of crushed Vicodin you’ve spread across your yoga mat. Hold the pose for 10-15 seconds, or until the party starts.

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The Scorned Lobster – Begin in child’s pose, then extend both arms out in front of you and bend each arm in to form a claw. Slowly extend both legs out behind you to form a tail, until you are resting flat on your yoga mat. Finally, lower your face down into the pile of powdered Vicodin you previously arranged on your mat. Hold the pose for 2-3 hours.

Use These Meditation Techniques To Command Your Body To Stop Bleeding After Being Stabbed By Your Vicodin Dealer

Every extreme fitness regimen has an element of risk, and your quest to immunize your body against pain is no different. The most comment side-effect is the risk of getting ruthlessly stabbed by a drug dealer while trying to score Vicodin. Employ these meditation techniques to command your body to stop bleeding. Then sit back and marvel as both the pain and catastrophic blood loss fade away into oblivion.

-Summon an image of your body free of stab wounds in your mind. Focus all of your energy on it while slowly inhaling and exhaling.

-Imagine a world in which knives do not exist. Picture that world, and reach into your aged leather waist satchel for more Vicodin.

With these tips, you’ll be well on your way to the pain-free existence of a mythological being in no time!

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay


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