Our Favorite Designer Sunglasses To Lose Immediately
If your favorite hobbies are burning hundred dollar bills and throwing fine jewelry into the sea like that old lady in Titanic, then designer sunglasses are a great investment. Sure, they’re expensive, but if you buy shades you love, you’ll actually wear (and then immediately lose) them. And you can’t put a price on protecting your eyes, because they’re what let you see the numbers on the checks your trust fund sends you every month. So with that in mind, here are the shades I’ll be buying and then promptly losing in beautiful locations this spring:
GUCCI TWO TONES
These funky frames are black and white, like the question of whether it’s okay to spend $435 on sunglasses you won’t be able to hang onto for more than a month. And to stick with the theme, I plan on leaving these bad boys on the counter while buying a black and white cookie from Zabars.
I’ll be wearing these flirty little numbers to the Bow Bridge, one of the most romantic spots in New York City. Also, the red tone reminds me of the color my boyfriend’s face will turn as he disgustedly says “Didn’t you JUST buy those?” after I leave them on a bench somewhere. He’ll then probably rant about his student loans, or something else equally unintelligible.
These will give you a total ice princess look. At least right up until you drop them on the bunny slope at the Lech-Zürs luxury ski resort. But remember: Protecting your eyes up on the mountain is vital, so bring several backup pairs (as you will undoubtedly lose them all if given the chance). And if you want to go really nuts, bring an extra bag filled with those diamond studs your dad gave you for your college graduation/various items he bought you at Tiffany’s to fling into a crevasse. That’ll stick it to him way more than not taking his money ever could. Remind me to research if ski resorts have crevasses.
CHUNKY BOTTEGA VENETAS
Let’s be real—you might as well chuck these designer sunglasses directly into a dumpster the second after you buy them. In fact, my favorite power move is to grind my new shades under the sole of my unforgiving Manolos the moment my platinum card clears. I then look the shopgirl straight in her perfect smoky eyes and shout “ANOTHER!” You know how many times you can do that before security escorts you out? The answer is an infinite number of times, because that bitch works on commission.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…