Wake Up, Sheeple: Peanut Allergies Don’t Exist

June 28, 2018 by , featured in Food and Recipes
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Everyone knows the Western medical industrial complex pumps the American people full of lies along with the occasional life-saving antibiotics. They tell us vaccines are safe, even though we have an entire (officially discredited, whatever) study proving otherwise. They insist that most people have no trouble digesting gluten but refuse to explain why my aura always feels out of alignment after a trip to Panera. So when my son’s pediatrician told me he was allergic to peanuts, I was naturally skeptical.

I know that pediatricians recommend waiting to introduce supposedly “highly allergenic” foods like peanut products until babies are strong enough to handle potential “reactions,” but that’s just because these foods provide powerful vegetable proteins. They make people strong, and the medical industrial complex wants us weak so we’ll placidly accept their poison and need “treatment” for “diseases.” That’s why I’ve been shoving globs of peanut butter down my infant son’s throat since he was old enough to drool.

Immediately, he swelled up with vital energy and began to cough the weakness out of his tiny chubby body. He did appear to be in some discomfort, but who among us isn’t when we’re adjusting to a new dietary lifestyle? Listen, you don’t know discomfort until you’ve been on a cabbage soup cleanse. As it happens, we had a court-mandated appointment with the fascist state’s appointed operative, a.k.a. Dr. Kapoor, that day. Needless to say, this quack’s assessment was decidedly different.

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Dr Kapoor feigned impressive alarm at the sight of Ethan’s healthy purplish glow and began interrogating me. Did he have any allergies? (Of course not; they’re a sign of genetic inferiority.) Did I keep any poisons in the house that he may have come into contact with? (No, Dr. Kapoor, I don’t keep any of your poisons in my house, just all-natural treatments like apricot pits and bella donna.) Had there been any change in his diet?

When I proudly informed him that my son just had his first taste of energy-enriching Whole Foods-brand all-natural peanut butter, he was scandalized by my defiance toward the Man. He barked that first of all, infants should ingest nothing but breast milk or formula (formula! Could you imagine?) until they’re at least four months old, and secondly, and I quote, “Ethan clearly has a moderate-to-severe peanut allergy.”

Nevermind the fact that peanut allergies are obviously a fiction invented by the Ministry of Truth; how dare any man presume to know more about the care and feeding of a child than its mother, no matter how many medical degrees he has? I didn’t say any of this, of course. I had no choice but to stand by while Dr. Kapoor violated poor Ethan’s body with the administration of an antihistamine because I don’t want to be arrested again. I would just have to cleanse him of it later with a gentle flower oil enema. The atrocities the state inflicts on our bodies, I swear to Ganesha.

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Of course, this hasn’t stopped me from giving Ethan peanut butter. I just make sure to do it when I know the signs of the body’s acclimation to pure peanut power will subside before the government’s next intrusion on our lives. He still shows signs of distress as he gets used to the rapture of all-natural amino acids and unsaturated fats, but I find that some gentle massage and chanting are all it takes to get him breathing again. I know it will take time for him to integrate the fullness of vitality. Infants are fragile, after all.


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3 Comments

  1. are you insane ? your kid is obviously having a bad reaction to the peanut butter and you’re making him suffer because you’re too prideful to admit you are wrong ? what is wrong with you ?!

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