Mirror Mirror: The Only Advice Column From Vince McMahon’s Mirror
Disclaimer – The Advice in this column does not reflect the views or feelings of Vincent Kennedy McMahon, the man. It does, however, reflect the opinions of his mirror.
Daddy Issues
Dear Mirror,
My wife has been undermining me in front of the boy because I haven’t been getting a proper char on my ribeyes lately. Any advice?
Sincerely,
Daniel Weldon
Dan,
Stainless steel isn’t for everyone, Jack. Especially a chimp who doesn’t have his house in order. Look pal, the first thing you need to do is pick out your favorite set of tongs and grab your balls on the way to the barbecue. Give ‘em a good tug—just enough to let that piece of meat know you mean business. Don’t let your virility get swept up in proper backyard etiquette either. Fuck, if you want to let your sack blow in the wind some while you’re manning the grill, dammit that’s your God-given right. Make sure the boy is out there, too, so he can see you in action. That’s crucial. Hearsay won’t straighten out your situation any more than one of those gimmicked laser thermometers. The measure of a man lies in his ability to eyeball, be it talent, a piece of steak or a Spokanean wildebeest with daddy issues. Now get out there and take your fucking family back!
Master of the Throne
Mirror Mirror on Vince’s wall,
I can’t get my toilet to stop running for the life of me. Normally, house sounds don’t bother me, but I’m concerned about the water I’m wasting. Thoughts?
Harold Limey
Harold, Harold, Harold,
Not many people know this, but in times of crisis, the water in your toilet can be used for sustenance. “Crisis,” however, is in the eye of the beholder. You don’t get to be a billionaire by dropping thirty bucks a pop on sparkling Panna, and diversification is the key here—so listen up. A true visionary sees opportunity when calamity strikes. There’s money in that there porcelain, all you have to do is grab the brass ring and take it.
Basically, if you’re losing water, you’re losing potential commas in your bank account. So get your head out of the shitter and into what’s best for business. Tune out all the static; if your house starts to talk to you with disrespect, a swift kick to the balls should do the trick. Once you’ve got some peace and quiet, try and come up with a catchy name for your side hustle, because Christ knows no one has ever heard of you or your outfit. Then find a guy who knows his way around a filtration system. You may lose a few gallons along the way, but at least you’ll know you did everything you could.
That’s all we have from Vince McMahon’s mirror this week. If you have a question only Vince McMahon’s mirror can answer, leave it in the comments below!
