[EDITOR’S NOTE: Welcome to the first-ever Bunny Ears advice column, where Bunny Ears staff submit questions, and other Bunny Ears staff provide answers. Neither party knew who was asking or answering their questions. Until now…]
Q – Hana Michels
Dear trusted advisor,
I’m attracted to narcissists. Every person I’ve ever dated has had at least one unnecessary album and/or promo tour for … themselves. They are not very nice to me, but I apparently think that’s hot. I am done redistributing sex to these monsters, and I would like to have a normal relationship once. How do I rewire my brain? Please help.
A – Toria Sheffield
Firstly, know that you are absolutely not alone. Countless normal, intelligent people have found themselves in the very same boat.
That being said, “rewiring” your brain takes time, work, and several yards of copper wire. Unravel the wire and wrap it around your clean-shaven head at least three but no more than five times. Take the remaining end of said wire and insert it far (but not too far) into a live electrical socket. A moderately powerful car battery also works in a pinch.
You’ll likely experience light excruciating cramping accompanied by a semi-permanent loss of bodily function. But that’s the price of psychological wellness. (Also, make sure you’re biting down on something solid, because tongues seldom grow back). After approximately 90 seconds, have a trusted friend or pet disconnect the wire from its power source.
You’ll be changed for life.
Q – Carolyn Burke
I realize that I am an objectively stronger writer than my peers. How do I help them feel less inferior to me?
William Shakespeare was one of the greatest writers of all time, and I could list a bunch of his accomplishments right now or I could just bring up the fact that he’s so ubiquitous that 90% of movies and TV shows that have scenes taking place in an English class reference William Shakespeare, meaning that he has at this point become shorthand for the very idea of good literature in pop culture.
In the hundreds of years since Shakespeare’s passing, very intelligent people have spent a lot of time digging into Shakespeare’s work to construct the anti-fan theory that “William Shakespeare,” as we know him, never existed. All of the works attributed to William Shakespeare—so the theory goes—actually belong to a number of different people working under the pseudonym of William Shakespeare. This theory is based on the facts that a) there is little biographical information about Shakespeare’s life before becoming “famed author William Shakespeare,” b) he comes from a town, Stratford-upon-Avon, that wasn’t known for producing famed authors and artists and was, in fact, thought of as a backwater town of illiterate dirt people who mostly slaughtered sheep instead of reading, and c) his last name was not consistently spelled on documents, both personal and literary.
The truth is that all of that is bullshit. There was a William Shakespeare, and he did write all those plays, sonnets and letters. At its core, the argument against Shakespeare’s authorship is an insecurity in the hearts of elitist intellectuals who refuse to believe that someone so talented could be born somewhere they deemed “low.” The people who built these theories (the “Anti-Stratfordians,” as they came to be known) slept easier believing that the greatest writer of all time couldn’t have been born in a town of illiterate dirt-shovelers and sheep-murderers.
Even though it’s nonsense, there is an important lesson there: Your peers will feel better if they think you’re lots of people instead of just one objectively talented person. My advice to you is to develop conspiracy theories surrounding the idea that maybe you’re actually several dorks instead of just one talented, once-in-a-lifetime voice of your generation. Spread it throughout your community. Confirm the suspicions of the mediocre: Greatness is impossible, and anyone who seems transcendent is cheating.
This isn’t true, of course, but it will make your friends and other frauds feel better.
Q – Archie Grimm
Say you love your parents and want to make them happy, but they still see you as their baby and try to find ways to run your life. What’s the best way to tell your overbearing parents to back off and start treating you like an “adult”?
A – Rosa Pasquarella
Since I am reading a letter and not speaking to you face-to-face, I’ll have to go ahead and assume (please correct me if I’m wrong) that you are not, in fact, an actual baby. Most childrearing guides don’t mention harnessing the ability to submit to advice columns until at least seven, so I think we’re safe.
You said you love your parents. That’s great! I recommend really playing that up. If you love them so much, why don’t you marry them? I know it sounds crazy, but the stress of planning a wedding has broken up families for centuries!
If the marriage route doesn’t work out, show your parents that you are not their little baby anymore by wearing stilts full time. Babies aren’t tall, nor can they juggle flaming bowling pins (which I also suggest, just for fun), so how could you possibly be a baby?! Some people are visual learners and have to actually see something before they can understand it.
I hope this helped give you the guidance you were looking for. If worst comes to worst, just remember, you’ve only got to put up with their coddling bullshit for another 20-25 years, tops.
Q – Luis Prada
My dog loves people more than other animals, especially other dogs. The problem is, no matter what time of day I walk her, I always cross paths with neighbors walking their dogs. They always insist our dogs get to know each other better with a good ol’ sniff sesh that will inevitably end with my dog trying to bite their dog’s face off. How do I politely tell my neighbors that my dog hates their dog on principle?
A – Lydia Bugg
Have you tried picking up the other dog and throwing it far, far away from yours? This can be difficult, depending on the size of the dog. If it is a Beethoven or a large pack of Toto dogs, be careful! You don’t want to strain your arms when throwing the upsetting dogs away.
If you’re worried about what will happen to the dogs when they land, you can always buy parachutes for all of the dogs in your neighborhood. Go door to door and give each of your neighbors a free dog parachute. Make sure to explain to them that it’s in case you need to throw their dog far away from yours so you don’t confuse them.
Make sure to carry a pair of scissors with you whenever you walk your dog to snip the offending dog’s leash. If the dog is on a leash when you throw it, the leash might tangle in the parachute once it deploys. This can be a safety hazard. Glad I could help!