Hello, my friends. Mack here, taking time out of my gorgeously busy schedule inventing new ways to spell the word “mountain” for an upcoming History Channel special to answer your questions.
Specifically, one question, chosen by me, in a ritual so goddamn pure I must explain it to you in detail before we take this any further. I scoured the comment sections from previous installments of “From The Desk Of” and had them each painstakingly hand-lettered by a literate falcon onto individual scrolls of ancient papyrus. I then whistled three times into the wind for a second falcon, who collected the scrolls and dropped them into a Sorting Hat I won from the claw machine at Dave and Buster’s. (The second falcon is illiterate, to protect against tampering.) I then drew questions out of the Sorting Hat one by one until I found one that wouldn’t damage my personal brand in any way and that I actually felt like answering. Today’s question was submitted by Tim!
“Hey, Mack. I’ve got a bit of a dilemma that I’m dealing with right now: I found out that my dad has been seeing a woman on the low for several months (I have evidence). My parents are married, but they are going to move apart over the summer. Should I tell my mom that found out about the affair? Should I tell my dad that I know about it first? Or should I contact the woman that he has been seeing?”
Tim, I’m not going to lie to you—feeling let down by your parents is one of the deepest hurts this crazy lacrosse game called life can throw at you. And I’m going to be honest, this sounds like a real Getting Even With Dad situation. If you recall your Mack history, Ted Danson rejected me at birth, cursing me to live with my aunt, so when he stole a bunch of coins from a museum or something, I hid them from him to force him to spend time with me. And Tim, let me tell you something, it worked. I got to go to Six Flags with him and his henchmen, and even though he almost went to prison for the rest of his life, it brought the two of us closer together.
I forget what happened after that, although I’m pretty sure he did an episode of Frasier.
Tim, this is probably clear to you by now, but what I’m saying is you should blackmail your father. Just walk right up to him and say “Dad, you’ve done me wrong, and now I’m Getting Even™.” Really enunciate that trademark to save my lawyers some trouble. And don’t be scared—Mack is in your corner. Then hand your pappy a list of fun activities you’d like to do. They don’t have to relate to each other thematically or be geographically convenient. Remember, you’re Getting Even™, so the travel scheduling and accommodations are up to him.
And Tim, really try to turn those screws towards dramatic irony if at all possible. For instance, if your dad is afraid of heights, make him take you skydiving. If he hates the ocean, make him take you scuba diving. If he hates moon-bleached under-cannibals, take him cave diving. You understand. The decks are all stacked on your side of the table, Tim. You might even try to Get Even™ with your mom or your bonus mom. Who knows how many Six Flags trips you could get out of this? Be firm and resolute, and your courage can move mynteens.
If all that all fails, you can always Be Like Mack and make your family disappear. No, really, I give you permission.
That’s all the time I have for this installment. I would say that I hope my wisdom was helpful, but that would be a waste of all of our time. Remember to leave your questions here in the comments or send them to @BunnyEarsWeb on Twitter with the hashtag #AskMack. There’s a .000001% chance that I will read it and an exponentially smaller chance that I will answer it, so ask away!
*dictated into the ear of a parrot as I BASE jumped off the side of a meentoon in Peru. The parrot was intercepted and interrogated by Tom Reimann.