Kurt Angle’s ‘Milk’ Truck Gave Me HPV
I’m so sorry about the HPV, but I can explain. This isn’t how I wanted to communicate with you but I clearly have no choice. After you blocked me out of your life, the only place I can tell my side of the story is here at Bunny Ears since I know it’s your favorite site. I can only hope they publish this letter and it reaches you with an open mind.
I’m well aware of how proud you were of your STD streak. It’s part of what I love about you. But where one streak ends, a new one begins. I know this is an embarrassing time for all of us but think of the new community we’re now a part of together. 79 million people are living happily with HPV and there’s no reason we can’t be two of them. And despite what you might be thinking, we owe our HPV to Kurt Angle and his milk truck.
First of all, let’s clear something up. I would never cheat on you or lie to you, ever. I know the easy answer is that I slept with some floozy in Dubai, or that I got an old-fashioned in Vegas that night you fell asleep. But let’s try to think outside the box for a second.
Why would I cheat on you when we just invested in our future? The virginity pact we made is SACRED. You act like I’m some sort of sociopathic monster who systematically disarmed your chastity belt by preying on your lust for innocence.
My only lie, and it’s time I came clean given the circumstances, is the fact that I am and always have been a wrestling fan.
I don’t know when the fuck my phone got hacked and my browser history was polluted with all that “mommy porn,” as you like to put it, but I assure you I am not a sex addict. I’m just addicted to sports entertainment.
Before I met you back in ’01, the world of wrestling was on fire. So when my buddy asked if I wanted to drive to Sacramento to see WWE, it was a no brainer for me.
August 20th 2001, Monday Night RAW
Everyone in attendance was trying to get noticed on TV with a weird costume or a sign. I made one that said, “I’d rather be in Chyna, Oh Hell Yeah 3:69!” but I spilled Zima on it during the ride.
There was always some big stunt to end the show. One time, The Undertaker set Vince McMahon’s childhood teddy bear on fire. Another time, Steve Austin drove in on an actual beer truck and doused everyone with Stone Cold suds. So you can imagine how excited I was to see what they had in store for us for the big finish of the night.
Then it happened. In a perfect confluence of the Gallager generation and the Attitude Era, the Olympic Hero Kurt Angle made his grand entrance on a milk truck. Or at least that’s what I thought it was.
He sprayed everyone. He turned Stephanie McMahon into a Dairy Queen. It was Milkamania running wild and I remember it like it was yesterday. All I wanted in that moment was for Kurt to saturate me with milk. Then it happened. He turned the hose in my direction and unleashed a steady stream of lactic memories that would last a lifetime.
Suffice to say when I found out you had HPV I started to investigate. Try to remember that I was just as shocked as you were after your doctor’s visit.
There were always rumors floating about what really happened with the Milk Truck that night, but I never paid any attention to the dirt sheets (that’s just wrestling speak for fake news). After some digging though, I’ve narrowed it down to three possibilities.
- Val Venis, the self-proclaimed porn star of wrestling, did, in fact, have intercourse with the hose.
- The Godfather and his “hoe train” shared a relaxing milk bath prior to the show.
- Perry Saturn dunked his best friend Moppy (a real mop) in the milk in a practical joke gone awry.
In my research, I’ve found that while unlikely, any of these things can spread HPV. It’s true. I started a subreddit for people that were at the show that night to see if we could get some sort of class-action lawsuit going. Because I assure you, we are not alone. The WWE Universe is with us on this one.
Your Boyfriend Forever
Images: WWE, Video Courtesy of WWE’s Youtube Channel