How To Dress So That Everyone Knows Your Chinese Zodiac Animal
If you’re reading this, then you, like so many other astrologically-conscious citizens, are sick and tired of having to tell people your Chinese zodiac animal. Why should you have to inform strangers that you’ve only been speaking to for three minutes that you were born in the Year of the Ox, or that you are an avid problem-solver due to your Rooster status? You’re sick of reminding your so-called “friends” for the twentieth time that you’re a Monkey and so you can’t wear black or gray. Yes, even if it’s Shannon’s mother’s funeral.
Take matters into your own hands and dress to let the world know where you stand! This handy guide will help you build a wardrobe that revolves around your zodiac animal.
The lucky colors for someone born in the Year of the Ox are red, blue, and purple. Layer these vibrant shades by making full use of accessories and outerwear.
Rock an adorable bunny ears headband or a chic bunny ears t-shirt. In fact, why not both?
Dragon motifs are both cool and trendy, so go ahead and put ’em on everything. Think you have too many? Think again (dragons never doubt themselves). You are a scaly, bright-eyed creature of legend. You SHOULD buy that hand-tooled Italian belt with the fist-sized dragon’s-head buckle, regardless of how heavy it feels on your torso.
Faux snakeskin is so last year. The real thing beautifully catches the light, highlights your natural curves, and gives you that subtle, “Wait … is she evil?” vibe.
Don tiger stripes in striking orange and black to let everyone know about your fierce warrior heart. For days when you truly want to make a statement, go a step further and add jagged face paint to complete your look.
An adorable knitted monkey hat clearly signifies your Monkey status (not only through its physical form, but also because the complete lack of fashion sense it displays is a classic move for a fun-loving Monkey).
Adopt a few dogs (we recommend starting with three to five) and take them on walks wherever you go. This should make your sign abundantly clear. However, if you still sense confusion, just keep heading back to the shelter and adopting and walking more dogs. Eventually, people will get the idea.
A horse-head mask is the best way to prove, without a doubt, that you are committed to your zodiac animal. God knows, as a Horse you won’t manage to commit to anything else in your life.
Everyone knows that Year of the Pig people are calm and sensible. Prove this by calmly and sensibly tattooing a large image of a pig or a pig’s head somewhere visible. It doesn’t NECESSARILY have to be your face. That said, Year of the Pig people never shy away from perfection.
Nothing says, “I’m proud of the oft-despised animal associated with my birth year and I simultaneously reject, embrace, and reclaim the negative stereotypes associated with it” quite like wearing a coat made from live rats. Even if people don’t get the gist, you won’t have to explain yourself to them, because they’ll stay fairly far away.
Your local back-alley surgeon will, with some persuading, surgically graft rooster tail feathers to your coccyx bone. The bad news: There is a slight risk of infection. The good news: The same rooster feathers that are slowly poisoning your bloodstream will look gorgeous with your hospital gown.
If you were unlucky enough to be born in the Year of the Goat, your best bet is to wear one of these other 11 fashions as a disguise and hope nobody realizes the shameful secret of your birth.