How To Dress So That Everyone Knows Your Zodiac Animal Without You Telling Them
If you’re reading this, then you, like so many other astrologically-conscious citizens out there, are sick and tired of having to tell people your zodiac animal. Why should you have to inform strangers that you’ve only been speaking to for three minutes that you were born in the Year of the Ox, or that you are an avid problem-solver due to your Rooster status? You’re sick of reminding your so-called “friends” for the twentieth time that you’re a Monkey and so you can’t wear black or grey. Yes, even if it’s Shannon’s mother’s funeral.
Take matters into your own hands and dress to let the world know where you stand! This handy guide will help you build a wardrobe that revolves around your zodiac animal. Even the most unobservant person will be able to figure out exactly what makes up your personality, if you just incorporate these simple fashion choices into your daily attire.
The lucky colors for someone born in the Year of the Ox are red, blue, and purple. Layer these vibrant shades by making full use of accessories and outerwear.
Rock an adorable bunny ears headband or a chic bunny ears t-shirt. In fact, why not both?
Dragon motifs have the advantage of being independently cool and trendy, so go ahead and put ’em on everything. Think you have too many? Think again. Dragons never doubt themselves. You are a scaly, bright-eyed creature of legend. You SHOULD buy that hand-tooled Italian leather belt with the fist-sized dragon’s head buckle.
Faux snakeskin is so last century. The real thing catches the light gracefully, highlights your natural curves, and can be easily cleaned with a damp cloth and some snake oil. We guarantee you’ll be so sold that you’ll eventually want ALL your clothing to be made from snakeskin.
Don tiger stripes in striking orange and black to let everyone know about your fierce warrior heart. For days when you truly want to make a statement, go a step farther and add jagged face paint to complete your look.
An adorable knitted monkey hat signifies your Monkey status not only through its physical form, but also because the complete lack of fashion sense you’ll display in wearing it is a classic move for a fun-loving Monkey.
Adopt a couple dogs (we recommend starting with three to five) from your nearest shelter and take them on walks wherever you go. This should make it clear to people that you were born in the Year of the Dog. However, you still sense confusion, just keep heading back to the shelter and adopting more dogs. Eventually, people will get the idea.
A horse-head mask is the best way to prove without a doubt that you are committed to your zodiac animal. God knows, as a Horse you won’t manage to commit to anything else in your life.
Everyone knows that Year of the Pig people are calm and sensible. Prove this by calmly and sensibly tattooing a large image of a pig or a pig’s head somewhere visible. It doesn’t NECESSARILY have to be your face. That said, Year of the Pig people never shy away from perfection.
Nothing says, “I’m proud of the oft-despised animal associated with my birth year and I simultaneously reject, embrace, and reclaim the negative stereotypes associated with it” quite like wearing a coat made from live rats. Even if people don’t get the gist, you won’t have to explain yourself to them, because they’ll stay fairly far away.
Your local back-alley surgeon will, with some persuading, surgically graft some rooster tail feathers to your coccyx bone. The bad news: there is a slight risk of infection. The good news: the same rooster feathers that are slowly poisoning your bloodstream will look gorgeous with your hospital gown.
If you were unlucky to be born in the year of goat, your best bet is to wear one of these other 11 fashions as a disguise, and hope nobody realizes the shameful secret of your birth.