It’s Time To Teach Your Children The True Meaning Of No Nut November
It’s that time of year again, when the weather cools, the days grow shorter, and a hot cup of cocoa warms the heart. As the radio stations inevitably turn to chastity carols and kids start putting together their No Nut wish lists, it’s important to remember what this season is supposed to be about: family, friends, faith, and unrelenting blue balls.
You wouldn’t know it from a trip to the mall this time of year, but No Nut November used to mean something beyond making a buck. When I was a child, it meant rushing down the stairs night after night to find my family silently staring off into space. We’d talk about how horny we were before watching some softcore porn and screaming at the TV. Those are cherished memories. There were no gifts, no tinsel—just a family of four stewing in our own horniness, trying to hide our boners until we went to bed.
This season isn’t a market to be exploited. It’s supposed to be a time of humble reflection, charity, and infuriating chastity. Unfortunately, capitalism has taken over, as it always does. No Nut Ninny, the chaste moose, is out there selling Pepsi. Celibate Saturday has shoppers lined up around the block. No one is talking about keeping your spooge in your sack anymore. They’re just parading around in their flaccid fun-stick t-shirts, putting on a show of frustrated faith.
So maybe try something different this year. Find a needy family that can’t afford all the bells and whistles and help them shut their shafts down for the month. Go down to your local church and volunteer to judge anyone who’s still jerking it. It’s time to cut through the commercialization of No Nut November and get in touch with what really matters: You and your loved ones refusing to bust a nut, together, as a family.