bunnyears

…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
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…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….

These New Twists On Hot Cocoa Might Literally Save Your Life

cocoa

Fellow spiritual siblings, if you’ve been on a vision journey over the last 12 months, you may be blissfully preparing for the season of peace and joy. Unfortunately, here on the bodily plane, it turns out that everything everywhere is now terrible. But nothing can stop the lighting of the menorah or the trimming of the Christmas tree, so we all have to suck it up and head into the holidays like we aren’t in the middle of an endless swarm of festive wasps. That means it’s key to everyone’s survival not to fuck up the season’s hottest hot cocoa recipes.

Don’t Even Think About Nut Milk

cocoa

Sure, a few years ago, almond milk was all the rage, but guess what? The allergy sufferers of the world are rightly pissed that everyone’s favorite alternate milk is a murder weapon targeted at them, and they’ve started packing. For this year’s cow-safe hot chocolate, you better be using chickpea milk. Not only does it protect you from the furious and sickly allergen crowd, it also keeps you safe from the gluten-free denizens who are prepared to start the purge if they even see a kernel of wheat this festive season. Yes, your hot cocoa will taste like hummus, but you’ll be able to sip it without your lips being sliced off.

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Ho, Ho, Hot

cocoa

Chiles and chocolate are a great twist for a grown-up cocoa, but in a world that has essentially been breathing fire for the last year, a pinch of cayenne just isn’t going to do the trick. This year, you better grind up 9–12 ghost peppers into each cup of cocoa you hand out at your cookie-decorating party. Maybe 20, just to be safe. Everyone you know is living in a well of despair where the things they desire now will only come in crappier and crappier forms. Do you want their breaking point to be your paltry chipotle cocoa?

A Proportional Response

The best part about cocoa is the toppings! Whether it’s whipped cream and sprinkles or fluffy homemade marshmallows, it’s the finishing touches on this year’s recipes that will really delight your guests and keep you breathing until 2019. For the trendiest hot cocoa of the year, the proportions should be something like one-fourth of a cup of cocoa to 120 lbs. of whipped cream. We are very into drowning our sorrows this year, and suffocating them in a marshmallow cloud the size of a hurricane is ideal for this purpose. If you go skimpy on the toppings, everyone will assume you’re using the rest to subvert democracy somehow.

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How can you tell when enough is enough on the toppings? It’s an individual choice, but it’s usually when the recipient stops throwing rocks through the windows of grossly greedy capitalist banks to come and grab a cup.

Boozy Bevvy

cocoa

This should really go without saying at this point, but the biggest 2018 twist on hot cocoa that you’ll need to survive is alcohol. It doesn’t matter what kind. It doesn’t matter if it’s for children. Hell, it hardly matters if there’s cocoa. Cocoa with rum? Sure. Cocoa with tequila? Of course. Cocoa with gin? Literally who the hell cares anymore. Pass the wassail, the whiskey, and the whatever, it just needs to be strong, plentiful, and preferably carry just a hint of cinnamon. Everyone still likes cinnamon. So far.

Images: PixabayPexelsPixabayPixabayPexels

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2 Comments
  1. I found dark chocolate covered ginger “hot chocolate” beads in an upscale store in Carmel, CA.
    My tongue was numb for 4 days.

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