5 Reasons Why I Ate This Entire Cake by Myself
You are a good person. Yes, you. Sometimes it’s important to take a step back and say that to ourselves. Take a good, long look in the mirror, consider your personal inventory, and inhale deeply. Then, after taking stock of all the good things you’ve done, which can be equally defined as the bad things you have not done (Did you commit murder today? No? Good for you!), realize that you deserve a reward.
I mean, that’s what I did before I ate this whole cake by myself. My reward. My goodness. But it was more than just a simple act of self-thanking.
Reason 1: Cake
It’s cake. Cake is symbolic of special occasions, and why shouldn’t every moment of my life be a special occasion? For each passing minute is yet another one in which I am alive upon this planet, luminous in my personhood. Cakes are also associated with birthdays, and why not choose this moment to be reborn? Just as born-again Christians renew their covenant with the invisible being they believe in, you can restore your faith in the unseen you… the spiritual-self who needs not worry about calories like your physical-self keeps doing.
Reason 2: I hate my body
As my invisible, spiritual-self grows in awareness, the appearance of my physical form matters less and less. In fact, to the extent that it does not form itself according to my own wishes and desires, I dislike it intensely.
So why reward it? Why allow the non-cooperating corporeal self to engage in improvement at the expense of the spiritual self’s own time and energy?
Why not destroy it? Would that not be karmic balance?
Just as born-again Christians renew their covenant with the invisible being they believe in, you can restore your faith in the unseen you…
Reason 3: I wanted to destroy something beautiful
Are you confused? The beautiful thing is not the inner spirit, oh no. Nor the outer shell.
The beautiful thing is the cake. The cake must learn the circle of life. We eat the cake, we die, we turn into grain, and the grain becomes flour to make a new cake. We are all connected. But that stupid cake thinks it’s gonna live forever. It must learn.
Reason 4: Fuck kale.
Have you ever tried eating kale? It’s hard. You chew it forever, and it tastes terrible, and it’s slightly crunchy but not in a crispy way, and the leaves fill your mouth and stuff. How is it only one letter different from cake?
They’re nemeses, that’s why. That one different letter is like Mr. Spock’s goatee in the Mirror universe. It symbolizes evil. And evil must not be consumed.
We eat the cake, we die, we turn into grain, and the grain becomes flour to make a new cake.
Reason 5: I have a terminal disease.
No, I don’t need your sympathy. But you turned around pretty quickly when you heard that, right? My life is finite, and I should be entitled to enjoy things in the few moments I have left.
What? No, no. Not cancer. Not AIDS. I have the terminal disease that is called LIFE. And so do you. And you. And you. One day when you’re dead, your spirit will realize that it wishes it was eating cake at that very moment. I’m doing this right now, for you.
But mostly me.