Ain’t no party like an office party ’cause an office party is necessary to your livelihood! At the Bunny Ears office, we have an office party every 15 minutes to boost morale, consisting of an IV cleanse and a mandatory meditation seminar. For those of you who don’t work at the healthiest place on Earth, here are some office party ideas in which your employees will have to participate, whether they like it or not.
Regular people don’t just burst into song every chance they get, Amanda. Most office personnel need alcohol to build up the courage to “sing” Hole’s “Violet” while never breaking eye contact with Shawn from editorial who never called them back. That’s why sober karaoke is the worst, and only Amanda will sing willingly, but if you’re a “fun boss,” you can force your employees to sing against their will!
Open Bar Layoff Party
At the opposite end of the terrible office party spectrum is the open bar post-layoff party. Unlike sober karaoke, which accomplishes nothing, this party unleashes way too much. Steal your employees’ futures and then offer them endless amounts of alcohol to make up for it. They’ll do the rest. Plus, you’ll never have to see any of these people again, so no matter what inappropriate things Shawn does or ejects from his body at this party, there won’t be any HR paperwork to file.
Make the people of color and women in your office feel uncomfortable with a setting that’s been historically hostile to them! Golf courses and their clientele are never not sketchy. So-called “regular” golf is also stupid, and it takes up way too much land that could otherwise have a giant cartoonish windmill on it. If you can actually follow a game of golf without a windmill or a giant dog, you are a boring person and you deserve terrible things.
Some evil bosses will call these “office parties,” so we’ll briefly include them. Team-building seminars come in two varieties: excruciatingly cheesy and “back injury.” Trust falls involve both! As the saying goes, there is no “seminar” in “team.”
Secret Santa Or White Elephant Holiday Party
These parties are the longest and slowest, especially if they also include mandatory sobriety. Everyone knows the best gifts come from people you barely know, especially when those people are trying to be funny and re-gifting things from last year. Watch this gift-giving extravaganza go from “Ha ha, Shawn thinks dildos are funny!” to “Oh, wow, another dildo, I bet this is from Shawn!” to “JESUS CHRIST, HOW MANY DILDOS DOES SHAWN OWN??”
Any Party Where You Hire A Magician
It’s a little-known fact that nobody has actually seen magic by choice. Magicians make their living exclusively from mandatory bar mitzvahs and office parties. Magic is on the lowest rung of the entertainment hierarchy, even lower than improv comedy. These parties get bonus social horror points if the magician you hire has a baldness-defying ponytail or uses the word “m’lady.”
Any Party With No Dogs
Without dogs, you would have to socialize with your co-workers outside of work. Bring dogs.