This Cookie Recipe Will Finally Convince Santa To Clap Them Cheeks

Don’t even try to pretend like Santa isn’t the thicc daddy of your dreams. He’s got amazing fashion sense, a killer dad bod, and he brings you presents every time you see him. I’m sorry, is there something more you want from a man? Well, there is one thing that Santa probably hasn’t given you … yet. This year, stop playing, and finally get Santa to clap them cheeks with this delicious homemade cookie recipe.

Step 1: Preheat your oven. Get it as hot as your undercarriage when you think of Santa’s package (or 350 degrees).

Step 2: Cream one cup of butter with one cup of sugar until smooth. Cream it like you’re gonna cream that jolly old saint dick.

Step 3: Beat in one egg, one teaspoon of vanilla extract, and one half-teaspoon of almond extract. Wait, were you gonna leave out the almond extract? Do you want Santa to run you over with that fat sleigh or not?

Step 4: Get out another bowl, mix three cups of flour, two teaspoons of baking powder, and one half-teaspoon of salt, and gradually add to the wet ingredients. The dough will be very stiff. It’ll be as stiff as your clit when you think about Santa ladling your punch bowl.

Step 5: DO NOT CHILL (but be chill). If you want to jingle Santa’s bells, you can’t be fucking with freezer bags. Get your head in the game, for God’s sake.

Step 6: Bake for 6-8 minutes and let cool on the cookie sheet until firm. They need to be as firm as Santa’s boughs of holly when he blows out your decked halls. Yeah, we mean when he bangs you.

[irp]Step 7: Decorate. This is the most crucial step. Obviously, you used the dirty cookie cutters we recommended for your last gender reveal party, but this is no occasion for plain-ass frosting and sprinkles. Do you have one of those printers that can stamp baked goods with edible copies of your butthole? If not, put it on your Christmas list ASAP, and hurry down the chimney, baby! (And by “chimney,” we of course mean vagina.)

(Thanks to In Katrina’s Kitchen for this actually great recipe.)

Image: Pexels, Pixabay