I Will Passionately Defend My Middle School Whispstache
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I Will Passionately Defend My Middle School Whispstache

Hello, concerned adults and classmates! I’m a man now. I’m sorry you feel so threatened by this that you need to pretend your problem is with my beautiful lip fringe. Being a man means I can wear the same underwear for two weeks, shout horrible slurs playing PUBG, and start rumors about Anya using special-order jumbo tampons because Anya won’t make out with my majestic lip. That’s what grown-up men do. Men also embrace facial hair, even if it looks like they dipped their upper lip in superglue and kissed a poodle. Here’s why I think people (Mom) are so insistent on getting me to shave.

They’re Just Jealous

People who hate my mustache have probably never been able to grow one themselves. People like my mom and every girl at school. These people wish they could feel a gentle breeze graze through the five gorgeous, thick hairs on their upper lips. Sure, I may have a big, pimply bump under my nose where a precious sixth hair is growing in, but if I use one of the razors Mom keeps leaving in my bathroom, I may never have that sixth hair! That’s three on each side! That’s enough to pomade the sides into a greasy bartender curl! Nothing is more grown-up than a mustache with the sides twisted up. I can’t wait to say I’m 18 and post a photo of my ‘stache on Tinder. No one will know.

It Goes So Much Deeper Than The ‘Stache

Sometimes, when people say they’re upset about my lip fringe, they’re really upset about my masculinity. Specifically, my man musk. I’ve cultivated a glorious odor that is so powerful and masculine it intimidates my mommy. That’s why I only shower once a week but spray cologne on every 3-4 hours. It enhances my male magnetism, which anyone who wants me to shave is intimidated by. With all these lip hairs and all my man aroma, who could ever justify keeping my curfew at 10:00 PM?

Everyone Wants To Make Out With Me

The reason people want me to shave is because they want to make out with me. Everyone. Especially Mr. Blante, my health and P.E. teacher. He wants me to “hit the showers” and shave my ‘stache so he can concentrate on dodge ball drills instead of staring at my beautiful lip or being distracted by my beautiful smell. He says he “has a wife” and “is seriously considering transferring me out of his class,” but that’s just because everyone in class wants to make out with me, too.

Also, I’d Like To State For The Record That I Have Two Curly Chest Hairs

Mom won’t buy me V-necks or tank tops until I get my learner’s permit, but when she caves, my classmates are in for a real treat! I have two sleek, greasy chest hairs that corkscrew out near my left nipple like curly pig’s tails. Anya from English class will definitely kiss my left nipple when Mom finally gets me that tank top.

Mom, I’m Sorry For Calling You The B-Word

That was uncalled for. But you need to accept my manliness and let me grow out my glorious ‘stache for all to enjoy. Don’t deprive the world, mom.

 

Hana Michels
Hana Michels

Author - Hana - Editor - Warrior

Hana Michels has written for The Hard Times, Funny Or Die, McSweeney's, Shout Factory, Splitsider and others because her parents are therapists.

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