Revive Your Marriage In Three Easy Steps and $15 Million in Gold Bullion
Once upon a time, you stood before an officiant and swore to love and cherish one another forever. Today, you stood before your dining table and smashed every piece of your china while screaming about the differences between ‘love triangles’ and ‘love pyramids.’ The bumpy road to love is no myth, but we’re here with hope: you CAN save your marriage. Partnership is an investment! And like all safe investments, you need to periodically “renew your portfolio,” both metaphorically with compassion, and quite literally with $15 million in gold bullion.
Step One: You Are Investing In Your Love And Gold Bullion With Regular Maintenance
Living in your marriage day to day can make you take it for granted. Just as your shelves get dusty when you get busy, your marriage can get dusty if you don’t take the time for upkeep and maintenance. Similarly, gold bullion, the world’s safest investment, can get dusty if you don’t continually buy more from other investors who may need to sell it for some totally innocent reason. By putting $15 million in gold bullion ON your shelves, you will stop them from getting dusty, and also it might remind you to take care of your marriage.
Step Two: Treating Your Love As A Liquid Asset Works A Lot Like The Powerful Liquidity Of Gold Bullion
You might have heard that love is transactional, but more importantly, love is liquid. You can easily transfer the “balance” of your marriage into things like vacations together, a cup of coffee and a sympathetic ear, and, of course, blow jobs. Remembering that your love is not an immutable object but rather a gateway to experiences can help you better assess the value of your love, which, much like gold bullion tends to remain steady in a fluctuating market for multiple centuries.
That’s why buying this $15 million in gold bullion, which I don’t at ALL need to sell to keep TheKnot’s goons off my ass for that article about how weddings are, by definition, Satanic, is definitely worth your time and attention. The point is, gold bullion is portable and easy to sell through any reputable dealer, just like you can get blow jobs from your spouse, okay? It’s just economics.
Step Three: Remembering Your Love Is Tangible Like This Gold They Will Kill Me For If You Don’t Act Now On This Great Deal
One of the best things about gold bullion as an asset is you can hold it in your hand, and it can’t be destroyed by fire or other disasters, as paper money can. Even if a suspicious fire tornado burned down your house, set by goons perhaps, and melted all your gold bullion, you wouldn’t have lost your gold, you’d have gained a solid-gold cellar! Which has been great to hide in, but if you don’t unload it soon to pay the lawyers, they’re going to kill your whole family!
Even if you haven’t faced this exact situation, you can see how it’s universal to marriages. How, you may ask? Because even though your love might transform over the course of your marriage, and doesn’t contain a whole lot of oxygen or useful features like doors and toilets, it is still a place for you to hide in times of trouble and/or death threats from the wedding industry. Having a solid gold cellar buried beneath a burned hunk of property is a great way to remind yourself of the tangible asset of your marriage. Coincidentally, I have the perfect deal for you!
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…