Charged Crystal Pipes For Clearing Your Mind With That 420 Dank Chronic

Healing crystals are the perfect synthesis of science and metaphysics. It’s only natural to want to add that to your extant self-care routine of getting blitzed on giggle greens all day. Fortunately for you, crystal pipes fuse the natural vibrational energy of quartz with the swift rush of that dank herb.

Choosing Your Crystal Pipe

It’s essential to choose the perfect vessel for your kind bud. The wrong crystal could give off incorrect vibes. Luckily, this Culkin-approved rubric will help you find the right pipe for you:

Amethyst
Stats: purple, induces calm, member of the quartz family.
Perfect for: air signs, young professionals, guys named “Greg,” those who prefer crunchy snacks, women under 5’ 4”.

Citrine
Stats: golden hue symbolizes the sun, providing a special connection between citrine and creativity, warmth, and thermonuclear fusion.
Perfect for: Cardi B fans, redheads, LOONA stans, alcoholics.

Labradorite
Stats: greenish with gold flares of color inside, full of secrets.
Perfect for: the mustachioed, crow owners, that one Scorpio that can let a conversation about astrology happen without yelling about how they’re a Scorpio

Rose Quartz
Stats: delicate pink color that signals abundance and promotes self-love, 2016 Pantone Co-Color of the Year, secretly pink diamond.
Perfect for: mothers, Instagram models, Micronesians.

Gettin’ That Sucker Ready

Learn everything you can about your crystal pipe. Bond with it. Whisper your secrets to it on the back stairs at a house party. A strongly cultivated sense of intimacy with your crystal pipe will do more for your well-being than 1000 years of Western medicine ever will. You can’t go sticking your jazz herbs in just any old hole.

To charge your crystal pipe, hold it in your hands and focus your intention on it. Think about you and the crystal pipe together, sitting on your mid-century crushed velvet settee. Imagine you and your crystal pipe filling the whole room with the sweet smell of sticky icky. Visualize you and your crystal pipe in a state of total relaxation, shoveling Smartfood into your maw while watching old Adult Swim cartoons. Feel the air rush out of your mouth as you propel soggy kernels onto the crushed velvet at the utterance of an absurd yet relatable truth. You are truly content.

If you intend to clean your crystal pipe, beware that some crystals disintegrate when wet, so hopefully you chose the right one. Most stones that end in “-ite” are not water-friendly. (All stones that end in the letter “e” are powerfully spiteful, so if you reject a crystal, let it down gently.)

Strain Pairings

The aura that goes into your body is very nearly as important as the one that comes shooting out of your head chakra like lightning bolts. This is no easy task. If you’re gonna tangle with Houdini, you have to be ready to punch a gut or two. Houdini means weed. The magical dank comes in many forms to be mindful of your body’s needs.

The earth is 80% quartz, so you want to stay within an 80% THC content. The other 20% is up to you. I like to go splitsies on CBD and “adaptogenic reishi powder,” which is what I call three crushed-up Klonopin.

Now you are ready to Be Well, so get busy healing (from smoking) and/or get busy dying (from the refined sugar you’ll eat when the munchies hit).

Images: Pixabay, Pexels, Pixabay, Pexels