If You’re Gonna Date My Teenage Daughter, You’d Better Kiss Me On The Lips

Whooooooaaaa, slow down, there, hotshot. I know you and my darling Mirabelle are fixin’ to have a fun time at the drive-in tonight, and I’ve heard only good things about Taken 14, but I’m gonna need you to waltz your varsity ass into my sittin’ den for a second. Closer. Closer. Obviously, the one right next to me. Yeah, that’s right, Mr. Slick. We’re gonna have ourselves a man-to-man if you’re lookin’ to date my daughter. Kiss me on the lips, please.

I’m just an old-fashioned, protective father. Mirabelle means the world to me, and I need to know you’re the real deal and not some terrible, no good homophobe if you’re gonna be draggin’ her around town in your daddy’s shitty Mustang.

Mirabelle, we’ll be done in a second! Stop your nervous hovering! 

You probably think I’m crazy, but I ain’t. My daughter’s happiness is very important to me. But even more important is that she’s not runnin’ around with some no-good sack of bigotry. And I figure the best way to figure that out is with a quick smooch. Some call it a second sight, but I don’t know about all them fancy concepts. A man has to live his life by his gut, you see. My gut just so happens to be located in my trembling lips.

I’ll ask him anything I want, Mirabelle! Everybody stop crowdin’ us! Y’all will be on your way real soon!

I mean it. If you want to show Mirabelle a good time while also proving to all of us gathered here—yes that’s both sets of grandparents, an aunt, and several cousins—that you’re an upstanding fella who believes that love is love, you gotta prove it. It’s now or never, kiddo.

Okay, fine, everyone. I’ll stop! Are you all happy now! I’m sorry I care so much about making sure our Mirabelle is spending her time with the right kinds of folks. I guess I’m the bad guy.

Get her home by 10:00, sharp, buddy, ya here? And maybe we can talk more about the mouth-kissin’ then.

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