I’m An Introvert And I Need Every Person On Earth To Know It
This is kind of hard to talk about, but I really need to get this off my chest: I’m painfully shy. I hate going to parties. I like living my life quietly and keeping my thoughts to myself. I’d rather be alone than shouting into a cold, faceless crowd. I’m an introvert, and I need every person on Earth to know it, which is why I’m writing this.
How will anyone know the plight of the introvert if we don’t shout about it from the mountaintops for all to hear? The only way people will truly comprehend how uncomfortable I am receiving attention is if this article goes massively viral. I’m talking the kind of viral that lands me a book deal so I can bombard millions of people around the world with thousands of words about how uncomfortable I am revealing myself to them.
It Was A Long, Rocky Road To Get Where I Am Today
If my quiet yet powerful self-discipline surprises you, please understand that it hasn’t been easy getting this far. I used to be much more of an introvert about how much of an introvert I was. I did everything I could to seem introverted, like not making eye contact with people and always straying away from the conversation circle at a party, but I kept getting invites to functions and finding myself stuck in small talk I couldn’t escape. Hoping that people would “get it” was taking too long, so I started telling everyone within earshot that I was an introvert. I knew they finally got it when they’d say “Yeah, I get it.” Always such a powerful moment.
It was so effective that I started sending out invites to gather large crowds of friends, family, and complete strangers so I could announce that, as an introvert, I wanted no part of their big, impersonal crowd. Then I’d throw on some dope club beats and slink away to look at my phone for three hours while everyone had a ball. I’d end the night by sighing a lot while staring forlornly out a window. Mission accomplished, friends.
As Impressive As I am, There’s So Much More To Be Done
I have big plans for future announcements of my introverted ways. To start, I’m saving up to rent a party bus so I can spread the good word about how much fun I have on my own. I hope to one day shake the hand of every person in the room, look them straight in the eye, and tell them that I need a little “me time.” How else will they know?
If all goes as planned and I get to launch a satellite into orbit that can simulcast a signal to every screen in the world, most of the human population will know I’m an introvert by the year 2027. After that, it’ll be all about playing cleanup by micro-targeting those small villages and tribes that haven’t yet made contact with the outside world. I’m super excited to find out if isolated tribesmen who haven’t seen someone other than the 40 people they’ve known their whole lives will think my introverted demeanor makes me look reflective and thoughtful.
I’ll have to establish some kind of system to formally introduce myself to each newborn and tell them that, according to studies, the brains of introverts actually release more dopamine when they’re alone than an extrovert’s when they’re the center of attention. I imagine the children will goo-goo and ga-ga in the affirmative, and we will never speak again, just how I like it.