Hella Chic: Propeller Beanies With Optional Motors And Neck Clamps

We know many of you read this blog to stay up-to-date on all the hot Hollywood trends. In the past we’ve broken such fashion explosions as iridescent capes, the latest in mascot chic, and plastic wallet chains before they hit boutiques. Our goal is to give our readers the opportunity to get in as early fashion adopters so that they may be on the right side of style history.

So allow us to tell you about a new trend hovering just over the horizon, guaranteeing your superiority over your tacky friends waiting in line for hours in front of Supreme. And we mean literally hovering, because the hottest new item you’re about to see popping on the Insta feeds of every major influencer is…propeller beanies.

Propeller beanies combine the hip irony of trucker hats with the hip earnestness of nostalgia. (And yes, before you ask, you CAN purchase a propeller beanie featuring a pre-faded logo of an ’80s or ’90s cartoon show. The beanies also come pre-faded to really heighten that above-it-all vintage look.) There’s a variety of styles available, from neon, to motley, to acid wash, so we encourage you to get a variety of options to make sure you have the right propeller beanie for every occasion — from work, to weddings, to (yes) even funerals.

Additionally, the beanie’s hard plastic base provides an extra layer of skull protection that you just don’t get with other pieces of headwear. Whether you’re concerned about keeping your brain chamber safe from the elements or a random pipe attack, a propeller beanie offers a comfortable shield akin to wearing a second head — just like you’ve always dreamed.

You can also alter your propeller beanie for increased functionality by simply attaching a ten-pound motor and shoulder clamps — you may never have to pay for another Uber again! (Note: Resist the urge to purchase the slightly less expensive neck clamps, even though the choker design is VERY stylish and is in super high demand right now. You need only take notice of the clouds of disembodied heads currently propelling around Sunset Blvd. to discourage you from this particular purchase.)

And of course, what white-hot piece of Hollywood chic would be complete without accessories? You can customize your beanie with vanity rotors, including chakra blades, blades with an airbrushed photo of your favorite relative/celebrity/historical figure, or even blades of pure diamond. You can also purchase an LED display for your beanie, which can be programmed to scroll any text you want, like links to your various social media accounts, or (pro-tip!) your phone number while out at bars and clubs.

You’ll want to act fast on this one, because pretty soon it’ll be three or four people in your life rocking the prop-beanie, then a dozen, and before long the entire club will be a swirling field of beanies creating a powerful updraft not unlike the one that nearly carried Charlie and his grandfather to their deaths in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Logan and Jake Paul are weeks away from negotiating a deal to engage each other in an intense aerial battle in matching plaid beanies complete with studded chinstraps in an exclusive YouTube livestream. Kanye West is going to record his next album while hovering over his Bel Air mansion. Jennifer Lawrence was seen leaving Vespertine wearing two propeller beanies at the same time.

Take our advice and don’t miss your chance to make your propeller beanie statement before it becomes, dreadfully, last season.

Images: Ontify.com/Bonanza.com /Etsy.com