Your Social Trauma Tells Us Which Of Our Candles You Should Buy
…Hillary Clinton Still Roaming The Woods…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…Police Discover Two Bodies In Witch’s Oven…
… Red and Yellow Is The New Black…
Cancer linked to death!
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…BREAKING NEWS: Dumb Is Spelled With A ‘B’…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…Secret Ingredient To Sushi Discovered: FISH…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…Queen Kong???…
…Teeth Found To Be Tongue Prison…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…Waldo still missing…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…Supreme Court Rules: We Rule! …
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…RIP KOKO…
…God found dead in space…
…Murder Victim Speaks Out…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…Man Wakes Up From 10 Year Coma, Asks, “What’s Up With Lance Armstrong?”…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Vacuums Suck…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…City Announces Subway Being Rebranded As “Uber Metro”…
…Snow Is Just Rain That Forgot To Melt…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…Corks Found To Only Be Holding Things Back…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…Psychic Predicts World Already Over…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…Hats are cool…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…Newest Gaming Trend: Personal Space…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…Trump Asks Media “What’s A Tariff?”…

Your Most Recent Social Trauma Tells Us Which Of Our Candles You Should Buy

Society is many things: a prison, a minefield, an aggregate of people living together in a more or less ordered community. But more importantly, society is an opportunity for us to sell you stuff. If not for society, how would you know that sniffing on eucalyptus-scented soy wax is supposed to kind of make you feel better after a hard day? Bunny Ears is here to let the problem be the solution. You tell us your most recent traumatic social experience, and we’ll sell you a candle that won’t fix it but will smell.* Have any of these common misfortunes befallen you lately?

The trauma: “I called my teacher ‘Mom.'”

Yoga teachers are spiritual and physical guides, so it’s not out of line to confuse them with emotional guides as well. I could go on and on with vague justifications, but just buy this candle.

The Bunny Ears–brand candle you should buy: Apple.

The trauma: “I waved to someone who wasn’t waving to me.”

In a panic, you pretended instead that you were smelling your armpit. If you want to smell like a real armpit, try this candle that smells like dirty laundry and the aerosol spray you use to cover it up.

The Bunny Ears–brand candle you should buy: Socks and Lavender.

The trauma: “I liked an Instagram photo from two years ago.”

WAKE UP. YOU’RE GONNA LIVE. WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE.

The Bunny Ears–brand candle you should buy: Coffee and Horseradish.

The trauma: “I confused the salad fork with the fish fork.”

Unlike the waving thing, this is truly inexcusable. Bunny Ears highly recommends that you pick up a copy of Emily Post and take a long bath to bone up on the basics of being a person. Don’t get “confused” again and use Alka Seltzer instead of bath bombs.

The Bunny Ears–brand candle you should buy: Pinot Grigio and Sea Salt, two great scents that will reinforce the idea of a fish course in your mind, since it’s clearly something you’re unfamiliar with.

The trauma: “I called serial killers ‘awesome’ to someone whose dad was murdered by a serial killer.”

This faux pas is becoming increasingly common as true crime emerges as a more and more accepted fandom community. Apologize and move on, but also buy this candle.

The Bunny Ears–brand candle you should buy: Luminol and Old Books. This candle smells like falling asleep in front of reruns of Forensic Files, which got you into this mess in the first place.

The trauma: “I accidentally smacked a kid in the face and when I asked it not to tell its mom it screamed that I was trying to keep a body secret and now I’m in a jail cell at the zoo.”

Zoo jail? That sucks. You should’ve gone to the state fair instead. At least the sad animals there become food eventually. Or just enjoy on this candle. Legally, we can’t recommend that you actually smell the candle, so enjoy.

The Bunny Ears–brand candle you should buy: State Fair, an intoxicating blend of hay, frozen lemonade, and carnie breath. This won’t help you with zoo jail, unfortunately. Good luck with that.

*Bunny Ears only guarantees that these candles have scents. Any physical damage to the skin, eyes, airways, and/or lymphatic system is wholly the responsibility of the user. Use of Bunny Ears™–brand candles implies assumption of risk, especially in the case of “wax-based electrocutions.” Any resultant injury is not the liability of Bunny Ears Global, Ltd. or Macaulay Culkin, LLC.

Images: Pixabay, GraphicsFuel

Allison Mick
Allison Mick

Enthusiast

Allison Mick is a comedian and writer who lives in Oakland, CA. She enjoys houseplant care and jaywalking. Find out more at allison-mick.com.

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