bunnyears

…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…

Your Most Recent Social Trauma Tells Us Which Of Our Candles You Should Buy

Society is many things: a prison, a minefield, an aggregate of people living together in a more or less ordered community. But more importantly, society is an opportunity for us to sell you stuff. If not for society, how would you know that sniffing on eucalyptus-scented soy wax is supposed to kind of make you feel better after a hard day? Bunny Ears is here to let the problem be the solution. You tell us your most recent traumatic social experience, and we’ll sell you a candle that won’t fix it but will smell.* Have any of these common misfortunes befallen you lately?

The trauma: “I called my teacher ‘Mom.'”

Yoga teachers are spiritual and physical guides, so it’s not out of line to confuse them with emotional guides as well. I could go on and on with vague justifications, but just buy this candle.

The Bunny Ears–brand candle you should buy: Apple.

The trauma: “I waved to someone who wasn’t waving to me.”

In a panic, you pretended instead that you were smelling your armpit. If you want to smell like a real armpit, try this candle that smells like dirty laundry and the aerosol spray you use to cover it up.

The Bunny Ears–brand candle you should buy: Socks and Lavender.

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The trauma: “I liked an Instagram photo from two years ago.”

WAKE UP. YOU’RE GONNA LIVE. WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE.

The Bunny Ears–brand candle you should buy: Coffee and Horseradish.

The trauma: “I confused the salad fork with the fish fork.”

Unlike the waving thing, this is truly inexcusable. Bunny Ears highly recommends that you pick up a copy of Emily Post and take a long bath to bone up on the basics of being a person. Don’t get “confused” again and use Alka Seltzer instead of bath bombs.

The Bunny Ears–brand candle you should buy: Pinot Grigio and Sea Salt, two great scents that will reinforce the idea of a fish course in your mind, since it’s clearly something you’re unfamiliar with.

The trauma: “I called serial killers ‘awesome’ to someone whose dad was murdered by a serial killer.”

This faux pas is becoming increasingly common as true crime emerges as a more and more accepted fandom community. Apologize and move on, but also buy this candle.

The Bunny Ears–brand candle you should buy: Luminol and Old Books. This candle smells like falling asleep in front of reruns of Forensic Files, which got you into this mess in the first place.

The trauma: “I accidentally smacked a kid in the face and when I asked it not to tell its mom it screamed that I was trying to keep a body secret and now I’m in a jail cell at the zoo.”

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Zoo jail? That sucks. You should’ve gone to the state fair instead. At least the sad animals there become food eventually. Or just enjoy on this candle. Legally, we can’t recommend that you actually smell the candle, so enjoy.

The Bunny Ears–brand candle you should buy: State Fair, an intoxicating blend of hay, frozen lemonade, and carnie breath. This won’t help you with zoo jail, unfortunately. Good luck with that.

*Bunny Ears only guarantees that these candles have scents. Any physical damage to the skin, eyes, airways, and/or lymphatic system is wholly the responsibility of the user. Use of Bunny Ears™–brand candles implies assumption of risk, especially in the case of “wax-based electrocutions.” Any resultant injury is not the liability of Bunny Ears Global, Ltd. or Macaulay Culkin, LLC.

Images: Pixabay, GraphicsFuel

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