Trave Guide: My Purse

Though it’s little-known to the unwashed masses, I consider my purse a must-be destination. It’s got everything I could ever possibly need, and I do mean that as literally as possible. But as jam-packed as my purse is, it can be overwhelming trying to decide where to go first. Fortunately for you, I’ve gone through my purse for the first time in half a year to write this guide to everything there is to see, do, taste, and occasionally smell in this mecca of extravagance.

First Outside Pocket

The Highlights:

A loooot of paperwork from my daughter’s school, dating back to September. Please note that it is, as of this writing, mid-January. Also, a tampon! Thank God. I haven’t gotten paid yet today, and I was down to my last one.

Several condoms and wrappers. Lest you get the impression that I live the exciting and fascinating life of a Sex and the City character, I visited my boyfriend in Canada last summer and decided this was a better place for them than my luggage for some reason. And $2.35 in change, plus one toonie.

Inside Main

The Highlights:

Wallet, of course. That’s its own article. Checkbook, because I had to write a check unexpectedly once in the last five years and you bet your ass it’s never going to happen again. A receipt from a local grocery store. I’m gonna level with you: This area is heavy on receipts.

A pair of black knit gloves with bones painted on them so my hands look like skeleton hands, and my three main pairs of sunglasses. I am prepared for any and all weather contingencies. Another tampon! Woo hoo! Another receipt from my local grocery store. I bought bratwursts.

Three more grocery store receipts so old I can’t tell what I bought or when I bought it. A tub of mysterious pink goo that I’m gueeeessing is lip gloss? My portable charger shaped like Pikachu! I was wondering where that went. Cigarette coupons! Score!

Dozens of small white objects that are either pills or candy. Looking forward to finding out later. A packet of McDonald’s Mild Picante sauce. $1.63 in change.

Inside Pocket

The Highlights:

My backup sunglasses (they’re huge and make me look like a bug). An “I Voted” sticker that I didn’t wear because it was an extra because I was dropping off a family member’s ballot as well as my own but obviously had no intention of giving her the sticker. Must hoard stickers. Two black Bic pens. $0.36 in change.

Other Outside Pocket

The Highlights:

A copy of the customs form required to ship my boyfriends’ parents some Christmas-shaped Hershey bars. Did you know they don’t have those in Canada? A flyer for my town’s Christmas parade. More school paperwork. A notice from the post office that my failure to pick up my mail has resulted in it being withheld.

Tickets to a dinosaur museum we visited in September. A receipt from a November Walmart trip where I bought, among other things, two separate pairs of llama Christmas pajamas. A baggie of tokens for the carousel. Two pink lip glosses. A broken candy cane. Several twist-ties that I helped myself to in the produce section at the grocery store. A Pokémon card (Slowpoke, if you must know).

And that, amazingly, is it! Next time you visit my purse, you’ll know exactly how to find what you’re looking for. Or, well, you would have, if you’d visited it before now. I’m throwing all this shit out.

If you liked this, you’ll probably ALSO like Travel Guide To This Car Trunk You’re Trapped In.

Image: Unsplash, The Author