Cool Shit You Can Buy Instead Of Sending Your Dumb Kids To College!
Let’s face it: Not all children are special—and this may even be especially true of yours. So why waste all your hard-earned money on some bullshit “Communications” degree when you could be spending it on something that will really make a difference, like cool shit for you. In fact, here’s all the cool stuff you can buy instead of sending your dumb kid to college. We did this with our son, Zeke, and my wife and I have never been happier! (Well, not since we had kids at least.)
There’s a lot of exotic pets you could buy to really stick it to your lazy offspring, but we strongly recommend the capybara. Not only is it the largest rodent in the animal kingdom, but it also requires a lot of expensive upkeep—a bottomless “guinea piggy bank,” if you will. Nothing will burn through a savings account quicker than caring for one of these adorable rat-ponies!
Before my wife and I purchased our fuzzy friend Percival, our local rodent expert advised us that capybaras absolutely must have a wading pool that they can access at any given time. We didn’t have the yard space to accommodate Percival’s needs, so we tricked our son Zeke into attending leadership camp and installed a cement pool in his room while he was away. Boy, did he learn a thing or two about growing up when he met his new roommate!
Note: Owning a capybara is illegal in some states, so be sure to confirm that you’re not committing any rodent-crimes beforehand. Hell, if you’re really trying to burn some college money, buy some political influence and change the antiquated pet laws in your community!
Maybe you fancy yourself a collector of oddities. If so, we’d advise you to scour the internet for strange vendors who traffic in celebrity body parts. These items typically go for a pretty penny and can be quite the conversation starters if mounted in your home’s communal spaces.
We, for example, blew about five semesters’ worth of cash on Frank Sinatra’s carefully preserved teeth, courtesy of a website called “www.BoneDeals.de.” Even if teeth aren’t your bag, we strongly recommend this site, because nobody sells fucked up shit quite like the Germans. Ol’ Blue Eyes’ chompers are now permanently on display in our kitchen, and we make sure to feed them before Zeke gets his cereal.
The College Your Kid Wants to Attend
This is a pretty big one, but if you can pull it off, you’ll feel like God. It’s a bit of a lengthy process to purchase an entire college, so feel free to check out our podcast Campus Flipperz for more detailed information. If your moody teen hasn’t confided in you about their preferred school, you can always bribe a guidance counselor like we did.
Once you’ve inked the deal, be sure to rewrite the school’s entire curriculum for the express purpose of reprogramming your son or daughter (if they can ever afford to attend now that you will be providing zero financial assistance.) After we officially owned Zeke’s desired institute, we cut dumb shit like Anthropology 101 and added such original courses as Introduction to THE REAL WORLD and Why Art Sucks. We can only pray that Zeke will rise to the occasion to pay his way through our gauntlet of stern truths.
We hope this article has inspired you to forsake your children and chase those middle-aged dreams!