I guess some people would claim it’s my own fault that the PTA moms don’t want me to hang out anymore. You wear one inside-out bikini to your daughter’s kindergarten graduation, and all of the sudden, it’s “I’m sorry, I already made plans for the weekend” and “Oh, we’re not inviting the whole class to Tegan’s birthday party this year” and “I think maybe you might have a problem.” Well, I’ve figured out how to show those snobs what a capable and sober mom looks like. With the help of these PTA fashion tips, you’ll be able to fool your kids’ friends’ moms into thinking you have your shit together, too.
Sit And Stand Straight
This is key. Two-day-old pajama pants, mismatched socks, a literal rat’s nest in your hair—none of that will do you any favors, for sure. But if you can at least manage to walk through those double metal doors with your head held high, Bri and Joanna will try to convince everyone that you’re actually sort of trying and that has to count for something. A scoliosis brace or really tight corset are great options for keeping yourself on the up and up.
Sunglasses Are A Dead Giveaway
Dark, sunken eyes are not going to convince anyone you’ve given up the hooch long enough to vote nay on Melissa’s bullshit bingo night idea, but wearing your shades indoors isn’t going to do you any favors either, no matter how tiny they are. Invest in a high-end concealer, Visine, and triple shot espressos.
Become An Updo Trendsetter
Messy hairstyles are tres chic, so tell Jayson’s mom the hot new trend in your shared work space is the ultra-messy ‘do. It doesn’t matter that it’s a total lie. If just a handful of PTA moms pick up on this nonexistent trend, you just know Lindsay will catch wind of it sooner or later, and she’s so damn desperate to prove she’s on the cutting edge, she’ll convince everyone she was onto it three years ago before she moved here from Whogivesafuckington. Proceed to never brush your hair again.
Spike The Punch
If, even with all these tricks in your arsenal, you still can’t manage to sit through a whole budget meeting without nodding off for a minute or 30, you’ve got a Hail Mary: Get everyone else in the PTA ripped off their asses so bad that you look like the rational one. After all, you can hold your booze better than anyone else in this damn school. Everyone will be too busy losing their lunch to even notice your sloppy shambling. Problem solved.