Jade Eggs And Glam: An Original Poem

We do not want jade eggs and glam,
We do not want them, rich white ma’am.
Take your coffee enemas and scram
We will not buy jade eggs or glam.

We would not buy them from a store.
We would not buy them door to door.
We would not buy them here or there.
We would not buy them anywhere.

We would not, could not, at your retreat.
(Just twenty grand to get a seat.)
We would not, could not, at your pop-up shop.
(The one that’s making LA traffic stop.)

We do not want jade eggs and glam!
New age homeopathy’s a sham!
Rich white ma’am, please leave us be!
We don’t think much of this, you see!

We do not want these tantric socks
To ensure our sex life rocks
Or this lube that’s also wine
Ma’am, our date nights are just fine!

We do not want this magic quartz!
We do not want those fairy farts!
No herbal mist to ward off psychic vultures!
No terms appropriated from other cultures!

We do not want jade eggs and glam
We will not buy them, rich white ma’am!
Your pseudoscience is a scam
We don’t buy it, rich white ma’am!

Not at a spa! Not from your site!
Not in your favorite city!
Your science is wrong! Your facts not right!
And your slogans aren’t that witty.

Not at your summit! Not on your yacht!
No matter how many reviews you’ve got!
Your experts have promised results on the spot.
We know they’re quacks. Maybe you forgot?

We do not want jade eggs and glam.
Sell them elsewhere, good goddamn.
We hate your brand, so ma’am, please cease
and let us vaccinate our kids in peace.

Rich white ma’am, we admit you’ve got variety
All this fancy stuff to prey on our anxiety
We often wonder: Why aren’t we happy?
If money’s not the answer, spending it just might be.

Jade eggs and glam are great, you say.
They’ll make our worries go away.
We sure aren’t satisfied with what we’ve got
We guess we’ll give your stuff a shot.

Say! We like jade eggs and glam.
We really thought this was a scam
But rich white ma’am, all along
You were right, and we were wrong.

We’ll save our marriages with this potion!
Gain immortality with this lotion!
We’ll steam our junk and burn our sage
And drink weird juice to hide our age!

These panaceas are our passion!
Wellness! Beauty! Yoga fashion!
Call it anything you want to call it
We’ll gladly empty out our wallet!

We freaking love jade eggs and glam
Thank you! Thank you, rich white ma’am!