Western Medicine Is A Lie: What Are Penises REALLY For?!??!!!!!??!
Bunny Ears faithful, now is the time to take stock of truths and untruths in our lives. Modern life exposes us to a variety of false mythologies, opening channels for negative information. Most pernicious of all are the myths that claim the penis, or male sex organ, is used for procreation and sexual pleasure. I, for one, am sick of this western, imperialist falsehood. It’s time to find out what the hell those skin salamis are actually for.
Myth #1: The Penis Is A Sex Organ
Penile traditionalists claim that the penis is a duct for carrying sperm from the testicles and shooting it out in the world, mostly onto women’s chests. But the truth about penises is right in the official designation. The penis is basically just a hollow hose used for spunk shooting.
Just as guns don’t kill people, the penis isn’t a sex organ. It’s just a weird, propulsive pipeline. You could replace it with a large chunk of PVC and get the same effect, and it would be easier to fit down your pants. Let’s face the scientific facts: A man’s penis is really just the body’s waterslide.
Myth #2: The Penis Is A Major Center Of Male Pleasure
I’ve been hearing this ever since my junior high boyfriend tried to get me to rub vigorously against his jeans with my jeans. Sure, gyrating against the nerve centers of your squid tentacle works, but you’re a grown man, looking for evolved experiences to make your dating profile attract literally any person. The woke bro realizes that spiritual pleasure is hugely preferable and that all this focus on rubbing your genie lamp is a tool of the patriarchy.
Every real man knows that it’s not ringing the doorbell that makes him happy. It’s knowing that his authentic vegan pad thai has arrived. Basically, a man who wants pleasure via penis is simply reasserting age-old gender dynamics and trying to force a woman into an apron and several pregnancies. Don’t believe his misguided desires!
Myth #3: The Average Penis Is A Flesh-Colored, Cylinder-Shaped Organ 3–5 Inches In Length
Of all the dong falsehoods out there, this is the most damaging. Why are men so insistent on wrangling their beautiful kaleidoscope of non-pleasurable sperm hoses into one size and shape? What do you think an erection is but your penis trying to slip free the bonds of your enslavement. Your penis can be any size, shape, or color it wants to be.
If you think your penis is a 14-inch parsnip dug up from the back yard, that’s your penis. If you think your penis is a small dog that barks at mailmen, that’s your penis, too. I highly recommend that men spend some time free-drawing in their journals to discover what size and shape their penis really is. If it’s a 4-inch cylinder, so be it, but let’s be honest, it’s probably a pretty horsey.
So What Are Penises??
In conclusion, penises are useless, joyless, shape-shifting aliens, and you should never, ever trust them unless they are pretty horseys. Always trust pretty horseys.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…