How To Get In Shape For Arm-Wrestling Season
If you’re like me, arm-wrestling season seems to sneak up on you every year. It comes, you’re humiliated at regionals, and in your shame you neglect to add essential exercises into your gym routine to prep for next year. Time to break the cycle! I’ve discovered secrets to last-minute arm fitness that will give you a sure shot at the coveted Golden Wrist.
Get Your Grip On
The first thing you wanna do is start gripping more in your everyday life. Picking up your phone to scroll through Insta and examine the bulging biceps of your competition? Don’t just pick it, grip it! Really strain those wrist muscles. Smartphones, forks, doorknobs—these everyday items are all practically designed for grippers. If you encounter something that makes you ask, “Can I grip this?” Don’t ask! Give it a try! Unless it’s broken glass, fire, or raw electricity, there’s absolutely no downside to gripping whatever objects you can find. Grip hard. Grip often. Grip to win!
Start Challenging Strangers on the Street
Winning the Grand Tournament of Arm-pions requires extensive elbow-to-elbow experience, but there just aren’t enough pre-season matches to really get in the necessary practice. So arrange your own! It’s best to start with wimps. You know: noodly-limbed wieners, no-bicep-havin’ dweebs, and anyone wearing a shirt that says, “No Arm Wrestling For Me, I’m A Weakling.” Once you can consistently slam their dorky wrists through the table, you’re ready to take on bigger challengers.
Then, work your way on up to impromptu tourneys outside biker bars (the unsanctioned minor leagues of arm wrestling). If you lose, you may get stabbed by an angry biker, as they cannot abide weakness. But if you win? You’ll earn invaluable, hard-won experience. And their respect. And also maybe get stabbed, so watch out!
Finally, Get Steroids
Tons of steroids. Legal, illegal, meant for horses, doesn’t matter. If you need chunky muscles fast, ‘roids are definitely the way to go. You just pump your butt full of the good stuff every morning until your arm is so grotesquely bulked-out that even a wild gorilla couldn’t pin it. You can’t lose if you can’t lose, champ!
There you have it, my arm-bitious friends. Add these simple secrets to your routine in preparation for arm-wrestling season, and brother, there’s no way you won’t get that Golden Wrist this year.