It’s a scientific fact that humankind evolved from an ancient ancestor that crawled out of the ocean and onto the shore. It’s also a known fact that all men (and women!) must return to the sea one day and once more live among the fish and dolphins. Traditionally, most people have waited until their seventies or eighties to be reclaimed by the sea, living forever as a fish-like creature in its briny depths. (Some call this process “death.”)
However, with the increasingly troubling state of the world, more and more people are opting to be reclaimed by the sea earlier than ever before; the 25 to 40 age group is the fastest rising sea-bound demographic.
Think you’re ready to take the sacred walk and return to the ocean from whence you came? Here’s everything you need to know.
Know the Ancient Tune
Play the haunting and enchanting Song of the Sea (also known as “Neptune’s Dirge”) on a conch shell. Think you don’t know the tune? Place your lips to the conch and blow with true intention in your heart. The melody will come.
Present the Sand Dollar
Transcribe a portion of whale song (whatever you find most personally and emotionally resonant) onto a sand dollar. Gently lob it into the ocean. Twenty-four hours later, return to the same spot on the beach. There will be another sand dollar waiting for you. Upon it will be the name and coordinates of your sea-life orientation guide/mate.
Rest, Human, Rest
Sleeping underwater is much different than sleeping on land. One way you can help yourself adjust is by sleeping in your bathtub (full of water, of course). Make sure to dissolve 20 to 30 packets of Sea Monkey eggs in there before you “hit the hay.”
Wetten Thy Lungs
It’s a myth that humans reclaimed by the sea need gills in order to absorb oxygen. Former land people actually breathe water, but it does take practice. For about a month leading up to your transition, place your head in a bucket or wash basin full of saltwater, and increase the length of time with every session. Before long you’ll find that you’re actually more comfortable when submerged in the salty liquid, and will come to find the Earth’s natural atmosphere harsh and unpleasant.
Create Fashion Gills
Sea people may not need gills, but it doesn’t mean they aren’t fashionable. Faux gills are the “little black dresses” of underwater life—they never go out of style! Make your own out of a breathable fabric and attach to your skin with spirit gum.
Renounce Thy Old Ways
Sadly, you must part ways with any earthbound abominations against the sea. Destroy or give away any Red Lobster gift cards, melt down or pawn any pearl-based jewelry in your possession, and end any and all friendships or romantic relationships with surfers.
What of Your Fin?
Consult a local orthopedic cosmetic surgeon about replacing your legs with a single tail fin. The procedure is covered by most major insurance companies.
The Coral Test
So you’ve done all that stuff and you think you feel ready, but how do you know if you’re totally ready? Walk to the sea. Lay down in the sand, and eat a piece of coral. If you are immediately transported to a dream-like world in which a figure you don’t physically recognize but understand to be an ancestor waves an inviting tentacle in your direction, that is when you are ready to be reclaimed by the sea.