bunnyears

…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…

What To Do When You’re Ready To Be Reclaimed By The Sea

reclaimed by the sea

It’s a scientific fact that humankind evolved from an ancient ancestor that crawled out of the ocean and onto the shore. It’s also a known fact that all men (and women!) must return to the sea one day and once more live among the fish and dolphins. Traditionally, most people have waited until their seventies or eighties to be reclaimed by the sea, living forever as a fish-like creature in its briny depths. (Some call this process “death.”)

However, with the increasingly troubling state of the world, more and more people are opting to be reclaimed by the sea earlier than ever before; the 25 to 40 age group is the fastest rising sea-bound demographic.

Think you’re ready to take the sacred walk and return to the ocean from whence you came? Here’s everything you need to know.

Know the Ancient Tune

Play the haunting and enchanting Song of the Sea (also known as “Neptune’s Dirge”) on a conch shell. Think you don’t know the tune? Place your lips to the conch and blow with true intention in your heart. The melody will come.

Present the Sand Dollar

Transcribe a portion of whale song (whatever you find most personally and emotionally resonant) onto a sand dollar. Gently lob it into the ocean. Twenty-four hours later, return to the same spot on the beach. There will be another sand dollar waiting for you. Upon it will be the name and coordinates of your sea-life orientation guide/mate.

DON’T MISS:  How To Meditate Without Being Consumed By Memories Of That Thing You Did

Rest, Human, Rest

Sleeping underwater is much different than sleeping on land. One way you can help yourself adjust is by sleeping in your bathtub (full of water, of course). Make sure to dissolve 20 to 30 packets of Sea Monkey eggs in there before you “hit the hay.”

Wetten Thy Lungs

It’s a myth that humans reclaimed by the sea need gills in order to absorb oxygen. Former land people actually breathe water, but it does take practice. For about a month leading up to your transition, place your head in a bucket or wash basin full of saltwater, and increase the length of time with every session. Before long you’ll find that you’re actually more comfortable when submerged in the salty liquid, and will come to find the Earth’s natural atmosphere harsh and unpleasant.

Create Fashion Gills

Sea people may not need gills, but it doesn’t mean they aren’t fashionable. Faux gills are the “little black dresses” of underwater life—they never go out of style! Make your own out of a breathable fabric and attach to your skin with spirit gum.

Renounce Thy Old Ways

Sadly, you must part ways with any earthbound abominations against the sea. Destroy or give away any Red Lobster gift cards, melt down or pawn any pearl-based jewelry in your possession, and end any and all friendships or romantic relationships with surfers.

DON’T MISS:  There Are So Many Things Besides Stuffing You Can Put In A Turkey

What of Your Fin?

Consult a local orthopedic cosmetic surgeon about replacing your legs with a single tail fin. The procedure is covered by most major insurance companies.

The Coral Test

So you’ve done all that stuff and you think you feel ready, but how do you know if you’re totally ready? Walk to the sea. Lay down in the sand, and eat a piece of coral. If you are immediately transported to a dream-like world in which a figure you don’t physically recognize but understand to be an ancestor waves an inviting tentacle in your direction, that is when you are ready to be reclaimed by the sea.

Images: Pixabay

You Might Also Like

Old-Timey Car Horn Sounds To Make During A Breast Exam

A simple AYOOGA or BLEEP BLEEP can make all the difference.

Read More

CGI Health: The New American Healthcare

Immortality is now just a click away.

Read More

From The Archives: Bunny Ears Explains How To Deal With The Vapours  

A rare and delightful treat from the Bunny Ears Archive!

Read More
No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Stalk Us

Video of the Week

We’re Back, Baby! Take THAT, Sawa!