Addicted To Your Phone? Try Shooting It Up For An Even Better High
Are you reading this article on your phone? Statistically, the answer is probably yes. The average American spends three hours a day staring at their screen, and an incredible five plus years over a lifetime. Basically, if you’re addicted to your phone, you’re not alone.
But what if that isn’t enough? What about us folks looking for something a little more pure? You know what we mean. The euphoria of those Facebook notifications can fade, and Candy Crush alerts just aren’t cutting it. How do we get that rush back? Thankfully, there’s a simple solution for you phone fanatics. Just mainline that shit. That’s right, shoot it up. Trust us, it feels fucking fantastic.
Is Shooting Up Your Phone Right For You?
Too many of us got our first phones for work emails, or the handy GPS, only to slowly crave more and more. An Instagram Story here. A true crime podcast there. Next thing you know, you’re watching Aladdin trailers behind the wheel, and FaceTuning your butt instead of feeding your kids.
Before taking things to the next level, recognize it’s a big step. Remember, if you’re not ready to slam it, smoking or snorting your phone can be a nice halfway measure. But, if you’re determined to chase that data plan dragon, this will not be disappointed.
How To Do It
First, make sure your phone is fully charged. You wouldn’t shoot up heroin without a little black tar, and you shouldn’t spike this shit without a full battery. Also, turn on all of your notifications. Twitter. HuffPo. Doordash. Your brain gets a dopamine hit every time you get a “like” online. Well, imagine how hot that “like” will feel flowing directly into your amygdala.
Now get a hammer and bash that phone to kingdom come. Really go to town on that sucker. There’s nothing worse than shooting up a sharp shard of silicon, or half a lithium battery. You’ll know your done when Siri’s screams go quiet.
Next you’ll need to liquify what’s left of your phone. Hopefully, you still have the case handy. Simply dump the debris inside, mix it with some water, and then cook it up over an open flame.
Inject To Get Wrecked
At last, you’re ready. Time to shoot up! But be careful. Missing the vein can cause infection, and incorrectly injecting this many think pieces can really mess with your mind.
Now sit back, shut your eyes, and feel that Apple juice jangling inside of you. Did James Woods say something racist on Twitter? Nice. Did your brainpan just get an offer for 20% off Trunk Club? Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. Feels good. Do you have any idea how many open tabs are inside your body right now? Just soak it in, brother. And once that high wears off, there’s no need to worry. Just buy another phone and do it all again tomorrow.