BBQ Recipes So Good You’ll Go ”I’m so sorry about slavery.”

Crafting the absolute perfect barbecue takes a lot of time, effort and respect. We say respect because one of the best ways a white person like yourself can improve any BBQ cookout is to borrow heavily from African American cuisine traditions. Oh, don’t give us that look. You knew we were going to end up there eventually. Just read the title of this article!

That said, it’s not racist or shameful to “borrow” from other cultures besides yours to impress your own circle of white friends. Besides, with fried okra this good, you’ll wonder why we ever had slavery to begin with! Here are the BBQ recipes that’ll bring out your best white guilt and have you begging for reparations:

Ribs recipe:

1. 3 tablespoons chili powder
2. 2 tablespoons brown sugar
3. 2 tablespoons of ground cumin
4. 1 tablespoon of black pepper
5. 1/2 teaspoon of garlic powder
6. 1/2 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
7. 1/3 cup of salt
8. 5 pounds of baby back ribs
9. 2 cups barbecue sauce

Directions:

First, you need to set the atmosphere for your cookout. You don’t want to look too white, so add some appropriate ethnic music, like Purple Rain by Prince or Seal by Seal. Once the mood is set, mix all of your spices and seasonings into one bowl, then marinate your ribs and refrigerate them for 1-2 hours. Cut the ribs cross-wise and wrap in tin foil, then cook over medium heat for an hour or so. At some point, that one white friend who looks exactly like white Jesus/Jared Leto should come over and place his gentle white hand on your shoulder. Don’t be alarmed—this is all part of the process. His baby Jesus blue eyes will stare long into yours and reflect eternal pools of white remorse. Eventually, he should start humming something that sounds suspiciously like “Wade in the Water.” That’s how you know your ribs will not only touch your guests on an appetite level, but a black spiritual level as well.

Grilled okra:

1. 3 teaspoons kosher salt
2. 1 teaspoon black pepper
3. 3 tablespoons of olive oil
4. 2 pounds of okra

Directions:

Stick your okra on skewers, bathe in olive oil, then grill at 450º F. As your okra begins to caramelize, you may start to hear tribal chanting coming from your guests. Don’t be alarmed now, this is all part of the process. Once your okra is now nice, crispy, and cooling off, your white friend Jerry should be over by now to ask you “Are you a Martin Luther King or Malcolm X type of guy?” Don’t fret, this is all part of the process. After serving, your white guests may engage in an act of communal crying over the 300 years of African American bondage that they now regret because this okra is bangin’!

Baked mac and cheese

1. 6 cups of elbow macaroni
2. 3 tablespoons of butter
3. 3 cups of milk
4. 3 cups sharp cheddar
5. 1 cup breadcrumbs
6. 2 eggs
7. 1 cups flour
8. Salt and pepper for flavor

Directions:

Preheat your oven to 350º F and shred your sharp cheddar. Make sure you have a buttered casserole dish on standby. Boil your pasta until it’s soft but firm, then whisk together your butter, eggs, milk, flour, and seasoning into a large pot and cook on medium-low heat. Mix in the cheddar, pour the mixture over your macaroni, and bake for half an hour. Your macaroni will be so good that it’ll make your white friends do a black panther fist salute after the very first bite!

If all is done properly, your guests will join around the table and lament the terrible tragedy that white supremacy has wrought over a plate of delicious ribs. Your fellow white people will take a knee for collared greens and hushpuppies, and sob deeply for all of the soul food that could have been.

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