Manage Social Anxiety Even Though Everyone Is Only Pretending To Like You
Social anxiety can affect anyone who happens to be weak and afraid. Luckily, stronger people can use their calm brains to determine the best coping techniques for anyone suffering from this completely avoidable problem. Here are some of the best tips for managing your social anxiety despite the fact that no one actually likes you and is probably being paid to be your friend.
Nobody Wants You To Fail Unless That’s The Point Of A Conspiracy Against You
Keep this in mind when you enter a new room of people: Not a single person you encounter is secretly wishing you’ll fail. Except for the possibility that they are all conducting some terrible social experiment on you. Of course, what are the odds that a group of people would intentionally trick you like that? Society seems to dictate that the odds are slim, unless you’ve been tricked for years into believing that.
But fear not. You are a smart and kind person who would see through any conspiracy of false friends carrying on in the hopes of seeing your social tailspin, right? That’s assuming you haven’t suffered some kind of brain damage and are incapable of reading social cues or even knowing you’re different.
You’re Just As Insecure As Everyone Else Whose Friends Are Only Pretending To Like Them
We all like to think that we’re the only poor saps whose entire social circle is pretending to laugh at our jokes because of some sick experiment. But the truth will surprise you! There are a lot of people in the world, and so statistically speaking at least one or two others are also being socially Truman-Showed for sadistic reasons. You’re not alone by thinking that your friends are phonies ad-libbing their appreciation for you!
You should just take each of these familiar strangers aside, look them right in the eyes and say “I know what you are.” But what if you’re wrong and this bold act is what ostracizes you from your social circle? At least you’re not the only person in the entire world stressing over these questions!
There’s A Pretty Good Chance You Don’t Secretly Smell Like Farts
Everyone sees that you’re acting as if you smell like farts. But there’s a very good chance you don’t literally smell like farts. Of course, if you did smell like farts people would either be too polite to tell you, or too dedicated to their social charade intended to secretly make you believe they are your friend. “I can’t believe Captain Bar-butts-a doesn’t know how smelly their ass is,” they’d text each other, “what a fucking joke!”
But again — it could just be your anxiety. You might not smell like farts at all. Not that you would be able to tell. The waft of your flesh alone could choke the hay from a bog cow’s maw and you’d never know it.
Love Yourself And Others Will Follow, Even The Paid Actors Pretending To Be Your Parents
Ultimately, what matters most is that you love yourself. With enough confidence and self-admiration, even your fake parents will eventually come around to enjoy your existence. Sure, they are being paid a yearly salary to pretend to love you. And they lie to you about the brain damage induced sour rank of your undercarriage. But over time they might actually grow fond of your pathos and social anxiety. Like how hawks enjoy the futile leg twitches of suffering field mice.
And in the end, what matters is what you feel about yourself. Because there’s no way you can fake self-love… unless you’ve secretly wiped your own memory for the purposes of self-sabotage like in the movie Total Recall. But if that’s the case, at least you can rest easy knowing that your personality will soon be erased and replaced with a much more confident version of yourself.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…