Even We’re Not Dumb Enough To Put Ginger Up Our Butts

May 14, 2019 by
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So. Apparently, you people are putting ginger up your butts, and we have questions. To wit: What the fuck?

Listen, we’re no strangers to putting things up our butts. Lemons? Absolutely. Sunscreen? Hell, yes. Vitamin-soaked tampons? You bet your very full ass. But ginger? That’s just dumb.

Trust us, we’re experts

In fact, we’re so familiar with putting things up our butts that we feel we would be remiss, as your premier experts of putting things up your butt, not to point out why this is a dumb and dangerous thing to do. The things we put up our butts have a purpose. For one thing, they’re hilarious. But they’re also legitimately useful. Like, do you want your butthole to get sunburned? We didn’t think so. Even when we recommend putting dangerous things in your butt, it’s to a (rear) end. You’re welcome for that Valentine’s date you scored with the hot E.R. doctor after we recommended sticking a dozen roses in your butt.

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But we simply see no good reason to stick ginger up your butt. What does that do for you? It just burns. If you want a burnt butthole, you could just not put sunscreen on it, although we do concede that this is a more natural and therefore safer alternative to the many products, such as warming lubricant, that are chemically designed to be put in your butthole. But that’s the whole reason we told you to put sunscreen in it. Nobody wants a burnt butthole.

Did they even check with anyone?

Honestly, we wonder exactly how much truth there is to this supposed trend, anyway. There are many “facts” in that Vice article that put its veracity in serious doubt. For example, the practice is allegedly known among practitioners as “figging,” and we’re quite certain that even if people are doing this, nobody is calling it that. The article also suggests that some people use hot peppers or Tabasco sauce for a similar effect, and that the process of “figging” involves a chunk of ginger that has been “peeled and carved into a butt plug shape.” Listen. No one is sitting around whittling their own spicy butt plugs. They’re not. How dumb do you think we are?

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No offense, Vice, but you might want to leave this stuff to the experts. We’ve got the “sticking stuff up your butt” beat covered, and you’re clearly not up to the task. You can’t just go around making shit up. That’s irresponsible.

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay


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