Are You A Dog Or A Cat Person? Because My Army Of Hybrid Freaks Is Hiring

They say there are two types of people in the world—dog people and cat people. Unfortunately, the more I look into it, the more I worry that this isn’t the case. Go ahead. Show me just one half-cat/half-human hybrid. Just one. Frankly, when my malevolent master put me in charge of this recruitment effort, I thought it was going to be a snap. Do a quick Google search, and you’ll see thousands of articles out there, claiming everyone is either a dog or cat person. Everyone!

But the minute your evil army of grotesque genetic freaks and half-animal abominations starts hiring, well, they all seem to disappear. Oh, I’m sorry, you don’t want to work for a non-union brigade of bestial hell-monsters? I’d be offended if I wasn’t under so much goddamn pressure.

Look Buzzfeed, I appreciate you having all those dog and cat people quizzes, but that’s not what I need right now. I need to hire like 50 of them yesterday. Now is not the time to get all coy with where I can find these horrific half-breeds, damn it! Would it kill just one of these cursed creatures to have a Linkedin page?

I put out ads for dog and cat people, and you flood me with pictures of your pets. What is wrong with you? Can‘t you read? I’m glad you love your stupid pets, but I’m looking for a man with the face of a dog, or a dog with the face of a man. Save your family photos for someone who isn’t getting squeezed by a motherfucking mad scientist. (A mad scientist who really oversold the “scientist” part of his title, I might add)

Frankly, at this point, we don’t even care if you’re part dog, cat, or some sort of octagonal animal amalgam. As long as you have a mutt-like mix of multiple DNAs, an open mind, and are willing to work for college credit, we want you on our team.

Oh, and obviously, you have to be enrolled in an accredited university, have letters of recommendation from three non-family members, and own your own car. Great. Thanks. We look forward to your application.  

Images: Pexels, ITC Entertainment, American International Pictures, Universal Pictures