Tide Pod Recipes For The Depressed

March 12, 2018 by , featured in Food and Recipes
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Tide pods, the breakout “it” ingredients of the 2017/2018 culinary season, combine grittiness and liquid smoothness by putting three distinct flavors into each and every bite. They send a blast of freshness into your mouth and a wave of calorie-burning convulsions straight to your otherwise-bored stomach. And Tide Pod recipes aren’t that easy to come by. 

But there’s a right way and a wrong way to prepare any ingredient (beware of county fairs selling deep-fried Tide Pods)! Odds are that, like many county-fair fried-foods, it’s a cheat; for example, most items are soaked in donut batter before going into the deep frier, instead of being dunked directly into the frier. 

Besides, deep-frying is never healthy.

We’ve prepared three recipes that will help you get the most out of the 2018’s hippest food trend, and stun your foodie friends with a delicious and efficient three-course meal. Get your cooking gloves on!

Tide Pod Bisque

3 tablespoons butter

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper

2 cups heavy cream

4 Tide Pods

½ bottle white wine

1 small bottle fresh clam juice

  1. Melt the butter in a saucepan, and slowly stir in the fresh clam juice and dry seasonings. Bring to a boil.
  2. Reduce heat; add heavy cream and Tide Pods. Wait for Pods to dissolve fully.
  3. Remove from the heat and mix in the white wine.
  4. Pour the entire thing into a basin, and wash your feet with it. They’ll get super-clean!
  5. Move on to the next course.

Authentic Mexican Tide-stadas

2 corn tortillas

1 Farmer’s Market mango (store-bought may contain traces of pesticide, which can make Tide Pod recipes dangerous to consume)

½ cup vegetable oil

½ an onion

½ a head of lettuce

1 serrano pepper seeded and diced.

2 limes

2 shots 100% agave tequila

4 Tide Pods

Toothpicks

  1. Pour 1/2 cup of organic vegetable oil into pan and fry the tortillas until golden brown. Place on a paper towel to cool.
  2. Finely chop the onion. Peel and seed the mango, then cut into small rectangular chunks. Mix in with the onion, serrano pepper, and juice from one of the limes to make a salsa.
  3. Shred the lettuce evenly over the tortillas.
  4. Skewer the Tide Pods with a toothpick to penetrate the liquid compartments. Drizzle the uncooked pod juices over each tortilla, spreading the pod liquid evenly so that the lettuce is well-dressed.
  5. Cut the remaining lime into slices.
  6. Coat the rim of your glass with the limes and dunk it in. Pour the shots of tequila into your glass.
  7. Enjoy!
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Tide-al Wave Sundae

½ bar of organic dark chocolate

1 teaspoon filtered water

1 pint Ben and Jerry’s Coffee Toffee Crunch ice cream

½ a punnet of raspberries

4 Tide Pods

1 small notepad

1 ballpoint pen

  1. In a small pan, slowly heat the water and the chocolate in a pan until chocolate melts. Make sure not to burn the chocolate.
  2. With a wooden spoon, stir in the Tide Pods, increasing the heat until the mixtur reduces to about 2/3. 
  3. Use the pen and notepad to write a letter to your loved ones about how much you love them.
  4. Put entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream into a bowl. Add raspberries to taste.
  5. Turn off the stove and pour the tide chocolate over the sundae.
  6. Enjoy your lazy sundae!
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Disclaimer: Do not consume Tide pods, or any laundry pods, for any reason. They are only for washing clothes. We hate that we have to do this.

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10 Comments

  1. What do the depressed love more than anything else? Booze! May I suggest adding a Tide Pod cocktail to the dinner? We could call it a Tidetini.

  2. My boy Ralphie made the sundae and he’s so effin lazy now – he hasn’t moved since he ate it!

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