Bond With Your Cat Through Torturing Mice And Birds

January 5, 2022 by , featured in Spiritual Wellness
Share this on

It’s a myth that cats don’t truly bond with their humans. Sure, they don’t typically do the “Oh, you pet me? I’m yours now” garbage of the golden retriever, but that doesn’t mean they don’t yearn for deep, intimate connections. If your cat remains aloof despite whole bags of treats and catnip times, it’s possible you’re missing something critical. Friendships are a two-way street of shared interests. There’s no easy way to say this, but if you want your cat to really be your buddy, you need to start torturing mice and birds together.

Rat-ical Solutions

Let’s be clear: You didn’t get a turtle. You didn’t get a hamster. At some point, you chose to pay money to care for a very tiny lion. Just as you deserve to be the real you, your kitty-witty deserves to be the real him. He knows that little stuffed mousey isn’t the real thing, and it’s frankly insulting to his intellect. He wants real mouseys and birdies, tender and delicious and terrified. Again, you decided this was going to be your life companion. What I’m saying is go get that bird net.

It Takes Two To Toy

Now that you’ve released your tiny bird or rodent prisoner into your cat’s domain, watch his eyes light up with excitement. Look at that little butt-waggle he does as he contemplates a pounce. Isn’t it adorable?

torture mice and birds

Now go ahead and bat the mouse. Just a little. You know you want to. You’re not hurting it—just give it a little bat into the wall. You’ve got to let your cat know you love and accept his preferences! Now, grab at its poor helpless tail. Yeeeeah, that felt good did. See? You’ve already started to bond with your cat! Oh, shit, your cat just swallowed the mouse whole. Oops. Back to the pet store.

Bonding Can Be Rabbit-Forming

We’re sure you’ve already noticed that your cat is more alert, excited to see you, and even willing to let you get in a scritch! Sure, your apartment is now covered in mouse guts and that very arresting garter snake head he just didn’t want to eat, but you’ve got a new best friend!


You’ve also got a witness who knows you participate regularly in torturing mice and birds, but I’m sure he won’t tell anyone. You know. As long as his supply doesn’t dry up.

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay

Share this on

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Home Lifestyle Pop Culture Wrestling Podcasts Videos About Us