We Met The Safety Inspector Of Bray Wyatt’s Firefly Funhouse, And It Wasn’t Good
One of the most compelling segments on WWE TV today is Bray Wyatt’s Firefly Funhouse. However, no one has really seen the Firefly Funhouse when the cameras are off. Which is why we found the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) inspector of Wyatt’s romper room to learn more about this heart-warming dwelling.
Not Your Daddy’s Wrestling Buddy
“Inspecting and reviewing Mr. Wyatt’s ‘home-office,’ as he classified it, was a unique experience,” said OSHA representative Ted Melbers. “For a ‘kid-friendly’ environment, there were several violations that needed to be addressed.”
“First, there needed to be a “CAUTION: HOT” sign near the Furnace of Friendship,” Melbers said. “I know Mr. Wyatt explained that the furnace was needed for his Fireflies to sacrifice their toys to the ‘Eternal Playground,’ but all heat-generating apparatuses need proper labeling.”
“Also, I could not tell if the brown paste smeared across various parts of the hardwood floor was Huskus the Pigboy’s chocolate or scat, but either way it’ll attract bugs,” he continued. “Abby the Witch needs to install a safety rail in front of her ‘Dark Void of Sharing.’ Additionally, Mercy the Buzzard apparently built a nest out of broken glass. A lot of work definitely needs to be done.”
“In spite of all of this, Mr. Wyatt was incredibly affable. He literally smiled the entire time and utterly refused to break eye contact. He offered me some ‘Ramblin’ Rabbit Jam,’ and I gotta say that it was the only time I could describe a taste as both ‘incredibly fruity and meat-like.’”
Needless to Say, It Was All Very Problematic
“Regardless of Mr. Wyatt’s hospitality, the inspection left a permanent negative impression on me,” Melbers said. “First, he kept saying, ‘Let me in,’ which confused me as we were already inside his own house. Secondly, when faced with such seriously negligent violations, ‘YOWIE WOWIE’ is not the correct response. But mostly, while it’s admittedly a personal matter, there was the whole thing with my face.”
(While Mr. Melbers requested privacy for his malady and declined to take photographs, we can confirm that Melbers’ has small tentacles growing from his face and blue ooze dripping from his nose and eyes. Physicians described Melbers’ condition as “Cthulhu-like” and “Cronenbergian.” Melbers claims this was due to consuming the jam, but medical tests have yet to confirm).
In spite of all this, Melbers left us with a positive message. “I’m sure that once these drastic changes are made, Bray Wyatt’s Firefly Funhouse can become a fun and safe place.”
Then a tiny mouth formed in Melbers’s left ear that screamed, “ALL HAIL THE FIEND!”