Stop Testing Makeup On Animals, Because They Keep Seducing My Father
We all love a good eye palette, bronzer, or lip stain, but at what cost? Even now, after decades of political pressure and bad press, many top cosmetic brands still test their products on animals. These practices have long been decried as cruel, unnecessary, and ineffective, and the costs of keeping these labs open are enormous. Plus, my poor father keeps getting seduced by sexy animals in makeup. It’s a nightmare.
Obviously, cruelty is the biggest issue here. Terrified rabbits, rats, and mice are exposed to toxic substances, often with horrifying results. But you know what else is a problem? My father, a pensioner and proud veteran, repeatedly being beguiled by these cotton-tailed teases when he’s just trying to enjoy his retirement in peace. If you think these animals are getting tortured, try listening to my father go on about how titillating they are.
Sadly, my father is not alone. Over 15 million people were seduced by lab animals last year, many of them senior citizens. And what should we expect when we give these animals access to the cutting edge of corporate cosmetics? With the right mix of primers, bronzers, blushes, and lipsticks, these animals are coming out weapons-grade hot, and we’re the ones paying for it.
You may scoff and say you’d never fall for it—that you’d be able to turn down a roll in the hay with a heavily made up furball. And maybe you would. But answer this: Have you ever seen Bugs Bunny go full thirst trap on Elmer Fudd? Okay, now picture that, but shellacked in top-of-the-line brands like Chanel and Elizabeth Arden. Still on that high horse, or are you starting to wonder what it would feel like to have sex with it? See? Don’t worry, you’re only human (unlike those glamorous mammals hellbent on their homewrecking escapades).
Now, what can be done?
The first, and most obvious solution to this problem, is to end the cruel practice of animal testing (studies have even shown that these tests are ineffective due to our biological differences). Another option is to only test crappy cosmetics on the animals, like Almay and Wet ‘N Wild. How good could a rat look in a drugstore brand? Granted, it’s not 100% effective. Some shitty makeup on a particularly sexy animal could still cause problems, but it’s worth a shot.
Beyond that, maybe these animals could get on Tinder? Or whatever the animal equivalent is? There’s an app for everything these days, right? All I know is, something has to be done. My mother is threatening to leave, and I’m pretty sure my father has a burner phone for some American Dutch rabbit named Robyn.
Here’s the hard truth: The power to end testing makeup on animals lies with us—specifically in our pocketbooks, so pick your brands wisely. Tell these huge corporations, once and for all, that we’re sick of seeing the men in our lives fall for these fluffy sex fiends. We’re sick of our families being torn apart by a bunch of lascivious lab rats. And we’re sick of competing with these animals on the singles market. You think I wouldn’t like access to top-of-the-line-beauty products? Of course, but I make do.
Also, we’re sick of the cruelty, or whatever.