Which Disney Princess Could You Beat In A Cage Match?

April 28, 2020 by , featured in Pop Culture
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Ladies, you know how sometimes when you see the youthful effervescent beauty of a Disney princess, you sigh and think, “I bet I could kick her ass?” If your natural response to the appearance of Cinderella’s castle is to take out your earrings, don’t worry, you’re not alone. We all wish we could be transported to a magical realm with just the eleven official Disney princesses, a big old cage, and no rules. If this golden opportunity ever falls into your lap, it’s important to know which Disney princess you could beat in a cage match (because you might need to choose who to fight quickly). Luckily, I’ve crunched the numbers for you.

You know you don’t want to take on anyone with magical powers, so that eliminates Cinderella and Snow White. They both have control over birds and no one wants to fuck with birds, especially not in a cage. That’s their turf. There’s also Rapunzel, who has magical healing hair that she can use to clothesline you, so she’s out.

You’re also going to want to eliminate Ariel right way. You’d think being part fish would give her a disadvantage, but swimming is pretty much the best possible exercise and that’s all she does all day. She probably has the core strength of John Cena. Plus, if she ever managed to hit you with her tail your spine would be crushed to dust. Don’t mess with Ariel.

Belle is probably the next most dangerous. Knowledge can be just as deadly as physical strength. Who’s to say there were no books on how to perfect a diving double ax handle in The Beast’s library? Belle probably knows nine ways to kill a man with a sentient teacup. Hard pass.

Maybe you’re thinking you could take on Pocahontas? Think again. She hunts deer with basically her bare hands. Do you think you’re stronger than a deer whose life is flashing before its eyes? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Then there’s Sleeping Beauty. Don’t even get me started on her. That girl is crazy. Who touches a spindle? She goes her whole life without seeing a spindle and then the first time she sees one she pokes it so viciously she bleeds? It’s obviously sharp—any sane human would just not touch it. Not Sleeping Beauty though, because she’s crazy and you can’t fight crazy.

Lightening round: Jasmine’s best friend is a literal tiger, it doesn’t get more metal than that. Mulan’s whole thing is being able to Longquan sword dudes in the face. Tiana has worked two jobs pretty much her entire life and she’s a chef (and everyone knows that stirring gives you insane upper body strength). That just leaves Merida and didn’t she defeat a bear with the power of love? The power of love is almost as effective as a delayed vertical suplex.

I guess the only reasonable solution is you couldn’t beat a Disney princess in a cage match. To try would be foolish. You are made of pastry doe and good intentions. Disney princesses are forged in fire.

[Editor’s Note: Elsa and Anna are not official Disney princesses, and neither is Moana. We know, we were shocked too. Don’t @ us.]

Image: Pexels/Disney


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2 Comments

  1. Wow! I didn’t realise they were that tough!
    BTW: Macaulay Culkin, I’ve watched the youtube video you made with Mark Rober; it’s amazing!

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