Hot Recipe: Gluten-Free Mug Brownie

Warm, gooey, chocolatey goodness in less than 5 minutes? Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? And bonus — it’s gluten-free, so those with sensitivities can enjoy! I should know — I suffer from Celiac disease which is a serious autoimmune disorder. If I eat a regular ‘ol brownie, you better clear the way; I’m heading straight to Vomit-ville! So if you too have this disease, or, if you’re like Sarah, who claims she’s gluten-free because it’s trendy and god-forbid Sarah has a bagel she would like TOTALLY die, you’re gonna love this recipe.

I first came up with this recipe one evening while I was listening to my neighbors having sex next door. Please note, I was not listening ON PURPOSE. But when you live in a 1940’s dilapidated five-story walk-up, the walls are really thin. My boyfriend Peter was out, and I wanted to treat myself. (I never ate sweets in front of Peter because he claimed sugar was the devil’s dust and only the weak needed dessert.)

I already had gluten-free flour on hand because after you shit yourself on your own couch while your boyfriend sits on the toilet “just to think,” you don’t mess with regular flour. You can find gluten-free flour in any supermarket, just look for the pack of girls wearing Soul Cycle gear talking about the gluten-free muffins they’re making to “treat” themselves after they sweat it out with Barry.

This is a mug cake which means you can make it in the microwave which is good because I don’t have an oven (or cable, or air conditioning, or any basic amenities to make my apartment feel more like a home and less like a jail cell.)  I almost didn’t have a microwave but my best friend Lily died from eating too many Tide pods, and I inherited hers. RIP, Lily.

So, as I said, I was alone, mourning my friend’s death, listening to my neighbor’s orgasm, and I mixed ¼ cup of gluten-free flour with some brown sugar, cocoa powder and a pinch of salt into a mug. I then added some canola oil and milk. My milk was expired, but not yet lumpy, so it worked fine. If you’re not poor as shit like me, I’d recommend fresh milk.

Then, you just pop it in the microwave for 1 minute. That’s less time than it took Peter to break up with me because all he said before he walked out forever was, “I’m into blondes now.” Well, the joke’s on him, because Sarah isn’t a natural blonde. Anyone with eyesight can tell that. But it’s fine. I’ve moved on. I have this mug-cake, and it’s all I need to feel good. Of course, it’s not ideal that Sarah is my next door neighbor. Oh, and did I mention the walls are really thin? Ya. Those orgasms. I would know those disgusting grunts from a mile away. And lucky me. I didn’t need to be a mile away but rather RIGHT NEXT DOOR. I knew all along it was Peter fucking Sarah, but I just shoved my emotions down by filling my mouth with this gooey, warm mug-cake brownie. FYI, you CAN gain 20 pounds from gluten-free food. So, please enjoy. Unless you’re Sarah in which case I hope you fucking choke on this and die.

Gluten-Free Mug Brownie Recipe

Ingredients:
1/4 cup gluten-free flour
¼ cup packed brown sugar
2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
Pinch of salt
2 ¼ tablespoons canola oil
2 tablespoons milk

Directions:

In a mug, mix together all the dry ingredients until there are no lumps. If there are any lumps your brownies will totally suck and people will hate you. Stir in the oil and milk next. You want to keep stirring until you feel better about yourself and/or once you have a thick paste.
Microwave on high for 1 minute, checking it after 30 seconds. The goal is to have it be crusty on the outside but still gooey on the inside.

IMAGES: Daniel Schmidt, ABC Open Producer