Absolute Must-Have Horoscope #SquadsGoals (Finally In One Place)!

May 1, 2018 by
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Horoscope squads, assemble! While every horoscope sign is unique, there’s no denying that some traits overlap and form some seriously awesome squads! Study up, figure out the traits that you have in common, and learn how to slay your way through the month of May, bae!

The Most Likely To Fake a Sick Day Squad: Leo, Aries, Sagittarius, Pisces

That’s right, we see you! Sometimes hump day is too much of a hump for you, and a mysterious 24 hour flu keeps you from having to climb it. There’s no shame in taking a personal day, but don’t make it a habit!

The Eats Way Too Much at Brunch Squad: Taurus, Leo, Gemini, Aries

What’s the point of securing a brunch reservation at the hottest joint in town if you’re not going to own it? Don’t let anyone judge you for very publicly ordering those two extra mimosas and the large stack of bacon pancakes, because you’ve earned them!

 

The Gets Up at 4PM And Stays in a Bathrobe All Day Squad: Virgo, Capricorn, Gemini, Leo

Some people would say that your lifestyle is showing signs of depression, but we say that you’re showing signs of being true to yourself! Keep kicking ass, believing in who you are, and not apologizing for making an extra large pizza your first and only meal of the day!

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The Willing to Eat an Entire Beehive to Prove a Point Squad: Scorpio, Leo, Pisces, Aquarius

Oh, so people still think you’re depressed just because you’re a Leo who’s overeating, oversleeping, and skipping work? Would a depressed person eat an entire beehive just to prove their haters wrong? No, a depressed person would only take a couple of bites before quitting, and they’d take the bees out first because they fear the pain that life can offer. But not the people in this squad! Every bee sting makes them feel alive! And you need to feel alive after you… oops, that part isn’t for non-squaddies to hear!

The Really Good At Keeping Secrets Squad: Libra, Cancer, Taurus, Leo

Soooooo good, you guys! Whether it’s not letting anyone know that you’ve got the hots for that super cute co-worker, keeping your extra long lunch break to themselves, or promising to forever keep your deepest and darkest acts confidential, this squad will never crack under interrogation, no matter how badly people may want to know something about you!

Horoscope Squads

The Posts Vague Facebook Status Updates Squad: Leo, Scorpio, Cancer, Libra

When you’ve got stuff going on in your life that you’re scared of bringing up, you know just how to talk around it! Whether it’s “I guess now I know who I can really trust” or a good “Sometimes the only way to save a relationship is to end it,” you’ll always try to reach out to people but fall an agonizing step that only isolates you further short!

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The Goes Through Their Old High School Poetry While Crying Squad: Capricorn, Aquarius, Virgo, Leo

Remember high school? These signs sure do! They were so young and full of potential all those years that still just feel like moments ago, and dammit, even though you know this poetry you wrote for your sweetheart is terrible, writing it made you feel so alive! Maybe it’s just the wine talking, but re-posting it is starting to sound like a great idea. Only ironically though, of course. Unless people like the poems! Hey, you never know, right? What’s the worst that could happen?

The Self-medicates By Convincing Themselves That The Stars Are Looking Out For Them Squad: Cancer, Libra, Leo, Pisces

Oh no, oh no, oh no, the worst happened. But it’s okay! Everything’s going to be okay. You just have to join more squads. There’s a squad out there for you that can fix this mess. And this squad right here will help you find one! They know that there’s no healin’ like belivin’… that the stars will turn things around for you, that is! Don’t abandon all hope yet, because your redemption could be written in the stars!


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3 Comments

  1. great article! i learned nothing. and that is ur fault! so go back to writing class, and learn how to properly use capitalization, you fukkkin’ knoobtuber!
    p.s.
    i loved cracked.

    1. ew, you crusty with all that salt son. go wash yourself off.
      P.S. you didn’t capitalize your comment properly. #jussayin

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