Why You Need To Put Sunscreen In Your Butt Hole Right Now
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Why You Need To Put Sunscreen In Your Butt Hole Right Now

put sunscreen

When most people put on sunscreen, they neglect an essential body part that needs to be protected more than most (the butt hole). When you fail to put sunscreen up your butt hole you’re also forgetting the soaked tampon principle, which states that any substance you put up your butt hole will be distributed quickly and efficiently throughout your body.

That being said, the only surefire way to thoroughly protect your skin from the sun is to shove some sunscreen up your butt. Plus it’s probably a lubricant. I don’t know—I’m not a scientist.

When you put sunscreen up your butt hole it’s important to get it all the way up there. Like all the way up. Don’t be a wimp. Squeeze out the whole tube. Remember, you can’t see what you’re doing and it’s better to be safe than sorry. Oil-based sunscreens are better for sensitive butt holes, and zinc-based sunscreens are great if you’re not getting enough vitamins in your mouth hole. Plus, the white residue will mean you never have to bleach again!

When you first start sunscreening your butt hole you might feel some slight discomfort. I’m guessing that’s because your butt hole is already sunburned from years of not putting sunscreen up there. Not to worry. Soon your butt hole will be completely numb and you can enjoy all the butt sunscreen you want without pain (or pleasure!).

“But won’t the sunscreen just dribble out my tight virgin butt hole?” you might ask. See, that’s where you’re stupid. The sunscreen won’t dribble out because you’re going to cork that stuff in place. “But I don’t have a butt hole cork!” you might whine. God, you’re so annoying. Listen, go to the bunny ears store and get a butt hole cork. I can’t believe you don’t have one. You can also use a diva cup if your butt is eco-friendly like that. Either way, plug that thing up for Christ’s sake. I can’t believe you just walk around with an open butt like a filthy animal.

Was that spray nozzle always this thick?

Butt hole sunscreen is also essential for cats. Your cat’s probably covered in fur everywhere except—that’s right—the butt hole that he or she presents to you daily. Like it’s a prize or something. Put some sunscreen up your cat’s butt. Then cork that cat butt. 

It’s important to start your children on butt hole sunscreen when they’re young. Sure, it’s not fun to apply, but why did you even choose to have children if you didn’t want to squeeze sunscreen up their butts? Just be sure to get some child-sized butt corks because you don’t want your kid to have trouble sitting at school. Then all the other kids will make fun of them for not having a small enough butt cork (and for no other reason).

If you have any butt hole sunscreen stories, please share this article on social media with a description of your experience instead of ever contacting us. Thank you.

Images: Pixabay, the author’s butt

Hana Michels
Hana Michels

Author - Hana - Editor - Warrior

Hana Michels has written for The Hard Times, Funny Or Die, McSweeney's, Shout Factory, Splitsider and others because her parents are therapists.

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