All The Reasons Why I’m Ready For Kids At The Age Of 23
I’m really good with kids because I understand them. Check out any kid and they’re most likely falling over, talking to themselves, or making crazy shit up. They’re basically me, mini-sized. So now that I’m an adult, and have spent 23 years without ‘em, I’m ready to get knocked up and pop out a few of those little guys (and gals). I can feel my breast swelling in anticipation! Here are five reasons why I’m ready to be a mom:
I Love Minis
Miniatures are my thing. Anything petite and little, I just die! Have you ever seen that video of the tiny hamster eating the tiny burrito? OMG. How cute would that be if I had my very own mini-me? I could dress her up in the same mini dress with the same mini stilettos and even get a mini Chanel bag filled with those airplane mini vodka bottles to match the big one that I carry. People would not be able to handle the cuteness; I almost can’t just thinking about it!
I Need An Assistant
I’ve got a lot going on and I really need someone to help me out. But, I can’t have any old rando knowing my beauty secrets and where I hide my cocaine! This is a job for my own flesh and blood. There’s just no one else I could trust. I thought maybe my roommate Kylie would be of use to me, but she’s just the worst; after a long day while I lay on the couch binging The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Kylie literally never offers to get me a glass of wine. Once I have my own kid, he or she will totally get mommy her big-girl juice and then massage my tired feet. Also, I take a lot of selfies but sometimes, I need that full-length, tits-to-legs shot. Oh, you know who could take that picture for me? My kid!
Kids Will Get Me Mad Followers
I get a lot of likes on Instagram but I need more if I’m going to be Insta-famous. I know everyone LIKES my photos but they don’t actually hit the like button because let’s face it, my life looks awesome and I’m gorgeous. People must be jealous. But how could you not hit the like button if I had adorable kids blowing up my Instagram? My kids are going to be cute like if a golden-retriever-puppy-had-sex-with-the-Gerber-baby cute. And you know what happens if you get a lot of followers? You get that money! Money that I can put into a Cabo fund, I mean, college fund, wink wink.
I Need An “Out” For Plans I Don’t Want To Attend
Don’t you hate when your friend is like “Hey can you come to my birthday dinner in two weeks” and you’re like “Yeah, whatever” and then it’s the night of and you realize you’d rather pop a Xanny and stay on the couch? And then your friend gets all pissed? And you’re like “Chill, Nicole, geez.” If I had a kid, I could use that as my excuse for EVERYTHING. Having a kid gets you out of anything you don’t want to do. My sister has a kid and I haven’t seen her in six years. She said she can’t come to my International Women’s Day Celebration of Me As The Best Woman Out There party and I’m totally not offended because she’s got a baby!
I Can Make Bank From Putting My Kids On TV
Okay, so you know what I just found out? That kid from that old show that plays on TV all the time, Full House, was actually TWO kids. The entertainment industry is dying for attractive kids to put on their shows. I may even need to do some weird fertility stuff to have twins because it seems like they’re the most profitable. But even if I don’t shove fifty sperm up my utero and just have a one night stand to get knocked up the old fashion way, I’m going to put my kid on television and make so much money. Imagine how much money you would have if you started working the week you were born? Since they’re just stupid kids who don’t know better, I can just take that money for myself! Bonus: once I get down to a film set with my kids, directors are obviously going to see me, see how beautiful I am, and then boom, they’ll want me on TV too. So my kids will not only make me mad dough, they’ll make me famous too! It’s like the easiest get-rich-quick scheme ever.
So there you have it. I’m ready. And my mission to become a mom starts tonight. I put holes in all my condoms using the tiniest, miniature scissors that are just UGH, so cute!