Reduce Carbon Emissions By Soldering Your B-Hole Shut

Your car may be electric, but you’re still releasing all sorts of noxious gasses into the atmosphere from your fleshy tailpipe. So if you’re really concerned about your personal contributions to climate change and what you can do to help, we recommend reducing your carbon emissions (and monthly plumbing bill) by permanently soldering your butthole shut.

We understand this suggestion raises a lot of questions. The first and primary inquiry on your mind is likely, “Sealing my ass shut? … That’s brilliant! But what’s the best method to accomplish this obvious and necessary solution?”

While sewing it with a thread and needle may be your first impulse, it isn’t foolproof. Gas will eventually escape because your glutes are more powerful than you realize and your sweet, sweet booty will eventually pop and lock its way free of its threaded confinement.

Maybe You’re Thinking a Blow Torch?

Don’t be ridiculous. You’d need a factory worker to help you accomplish this, and the last thing we want is any additional human activity that would keep factories open and polluting our lands and skies.

Instead, join both walls of your calamari cave together with a heated strip of metal. Not only is this a practical and effective way of turning your brown eye green, it also upcycles metal that would otherwise end up in a landfill or the ocean.

There are a plethora of personal benefits to corking up your turd cutter as well. Think of all the time you’ll save now that you’re no longer pooping (or even capable of doing so)! You can finally finish that novel you started all those years ago. You know, as soon as you’re no longer distracted by the blinding pain of your colon filling up with feces that have nowhere to go.

You’ll get used to it! Or maybe you’ll die! Either way, you’re guaranteed to drastically reduce your carbon footprint.

Images: Pixabay, Pexels