Emergency Poses To Break Out In Case No One Is Getting Sexually Aroused During Your Naked Yoga Class

It’s every naked yoga instructor’s worst nightmare: your class is nearing its end and not a single person’s genitals have swelled with sexual anticipation at the sight of all the beautiful naked bodies contorted into poses that let you see everything.

Don’t panic.

It’s perfectly normal to occasionally get stuck with a class of Hesitant Harrys and Bashful Bettys. That’s why you need to be armed with these of emergency poses to break out in case no one is getting sexually aroused during your naked yoga class. They’re easy, fun, and best of all, they really draw the eye to all the penises and vaginas in the room.

Pasta Maker

By planting a foot on the outside of the opposite leg then twisting your torso away from it, you’re giving your gluts a deep stretch while your penis or vagina get mashed through the tight squeeze of your thighs making them look as appetizing as freshly made pasta extruding out of a pasta maker.

Dirty Downward Dog

What this one lacks in subtlety it more than makes up for in exposure of sexual organs. It turns people on by practically making student’s genitals shout “Hey, look at these genitals!”

Dangling Carrot

Dangling Carrot achieves a similar effect as Dirty Downward Dog but with the added bonus of the student’s genitals dangling precariously over their owner’s face, much like a carrot dangled before a horse to encourage it to take action. This pose strikes an image of explicit intent. It asks that fellow students imagine their own heads in place of their classmate’s, and that is it they who has genitals tantalizingly dangled in front of them like grapes into the mouth of a Roman Emperor.

Pyramid Of Power Pose

This one works wonders for a stiff lower back. More importantly, it takes the genitals, which are normally low on our bodies, and raises them up to the top of our form as if our genitals were the peak of a pyramid from which the rest of its body gains its mighty power.

The Kicker

The key to The Kicker isn’t so much the pose itself as much as it is the dramatic ramp up to it. To make people’s packages pop, the leg should be quickly raised, or kicked, up into the position above. It’s a shock and awe technique that surprises arousal upon unsuspecting classmates.

Serving Platter Pose

At first glance, it seems like a student is simply stretching their calf and hamstring, but upon closer inspection, one will find that the foot tucked into the thigh acts as a serving platter upon which genitals can be arranged to whet appetites. The hidden genius of this pose is in its subtlety and misdirection. A person with a wandering eye will at first assume their classmate is performing a routine stretch when in actuality they have plated their genitals for maximum appeal. It gives a person an arousing sense of discovery that feels unique and belongs to them alone. It makes them think, “That peek at someone else’s exposed genitals belongs to me, baby. Allll me.”