Ways To Find Love Before You Die Tragically On Valentine’s Day
Let’s just get the bad news out of the way: You, the person reading this right now, are going to bite it on Valentine’s Day this year. Don’t worry about it. Don’t obsess over it. It’s unproductive, and just because you’re about to be toast doesn’t mean you get to be a slacker. You have a finite amount of time to find the love of your life and ruin his/her/their future by dying tragically! So, using the traditional romance canon of John Green novels, 1984–2009 rom-coms, and Murphy’s Law, let’s figure out how to find that perfect person for you before St. Valentine shows up to maul you to death.
Check Into A Terminal Illness Ward
According to at least eight different books and movies, one of the best ways you can find tragic true love is to have a depressing, inescapably fatal condition. You apparently have one of those, so tuck an oxygen mask up your nostrils, put on some alabaster makeup, and get to sexily shuffling around the common areas for dying youths.
Your true love is sure to be the person who still retains their sense of humor despite their situation and encourages you to grow beyond your illness. Sure, they might try to steal your thunder by dying first, but they’ve got medicine prolonging their life. You only have to outlast them for a few months.
Bullshit A Bull Rider
Nicholas Sparks alone has written approximately 36 books on the deeply romantic lives of people whose dream is to stay on a cow for a whole eight seconds. Bull riders are always depicted as tragic, death-seeking wildlings, so you should have no problem roping one in. It’s not very hard to meet your true love if they’re a bull rider. Just wander through the medical bay until you find one insisting they ain’t gonna quit, even as a doctor tells them they’ll die if they break that there rib one more time. Those are the suckers you can nail to the wall—romantically speaking, of course.
We won’t lie: Falling in love with a bull rider before you die on Valentine’s Day has drawbacks. First of all, they have a bizarrely stubborn death wish for a cow to kill them. You’ve got to keep them out of the saddle at least until mid-February. If your “meet cute” can involve accidentally breaking their leg, that’d be perfect. Then you can nurse them back to health and keep ’em alive long enough to add tragic meaning to their own stupid, impending demise. They’ll probably kill themselves riding that bull known ’round these parts as Hellraiser after you die, but it’ll make for a great “based on a true story” TV movie.
Seduce Your Worst Enemy
If the 2000s taught us anything about love, it’s that your soulmate is probably the person at your office you hate the most. While we’re pretty sure this is an unhealthy situation that would end in an acrimonious divorce and/or murder down the road, who cares, in this case? You’re going to be dead before the spring crocuses pop out.
Seducing the love of your life/person you hate most is tricky. You’re going to have to stage some kind of a fight after hours when the office is empty, and then, as you scream in each other’s faces, somehow make it feel all sexy. Try shouting something like “It’s not my fault your brain is in your enormously sexy, ripped biceps that I secretly stare at at the gym, thinking about how good they’d feel holding me down in a sexual manner!” But make sure you work it in naturally. You’ll be doing it on Marcia’s desk in minutes.
Then, it’s simply a matter of staying high enough to enjoy the passionate sex without getting annoyed by what a moron they are until you die. We know it’s not how you envisioned finding your true love, but hey, it’s probably better than the bull rider.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…