What To Do With Your Newly-Shredded Banksy
On Friday, a framed canvas version of rogue street artist Banksy’s famous painting, Girl With Balloon, sold at auction for $1.1 million, only to immediately self-destruct when a mechanism within the frame shred the piece upon sale.
Because you are doubtlessly a collector of fine art, and that man clearly has a finite number of ideas in his head, you may be concerned that this could happen to you the next time you buy a million dollar plus Banksy painting. Not to worry. We here at Bunny Ears are nothing if not resourceful, so we have plenty of ideas for how to repurpose your still entirely-too-valuable “masterpiece.”
Sure, there’s nothing stopping you from simply gluing the inch-wide strips back together and making a handsome profit, as the famously anti-capitalist artist surely intended, but wouldn’t it be so much more fun to turn it into a luxurious environment for your delightfully-named hamster? He’s surely getting tired of watching you lounge on your many velvet settees while he has to piss in wood chips. You can let him know how much you value him by also getting the maximum value from this puddle-deep protest.
That canvas is probably, like, super soft. Way softer even than those triple-ply all-organic cotton rolls you special order from Oregon. Sure, the strips aren’t quiiiiite wide enough to cover your entire asshole, but they almost are. If you must, go nuts and just scrunch up a big wad of them to clean your excrement. You can probably only do this a few times, but don’t worry about waste. Certainly, nobody else did. It’s probably gonna clog the literal shit out of your toilet, but you can think about the plight of the proletariat while your maid takes care of it. You probably shouldn’t bother flushing at all—just toss it into the laundry when you’re finished with your business. Canvas is super washable, so once your maid hand-scrubs the strips clean, you can keep shitting on Banksy for years to come.
Weave Them Into Reusable Tampons
Shove it up your twat. Just right up your twat, Banksy.
Stuff It Into A Pillow
There’s no cuter way to repurpose old clothing and fabric than by turning them into darling pillows. You could sew some of the larger Banksy strips together for a pillow cover, or—better yet—use all that pre-shredded canvas as stuffing for something more aesthetically pleasing. There’s probably only enough material from the smallish painting to stuff a tiny decorative pillow, but you can look at it and think about how decorative pillows serve no purpose other than to take money from rich white women so they can distract themselves from their empty lives. This is ironically more social insight than you’ll ever get from a Banksy piece.