Go Green! Use Solar Powered Bulldozers To Level That Jungle For Your Handbag Factory

There’s a lot of pressure to go green these days, and with good reason. It’s important to be seen doing your part to save the environment. I guess you could also quietly implement a recycling program and cut back on air travel, but if you want to really take advantage of all the ways saving the planet can enhance your personal brand and help break that line of picketers outside your handbag factory, you need to be showy about it. That’s why we’re calling solar-powered bulldozers this season’s hot new trend in going green!

Odds are, you’ve looked into renewable energy options for your earth-movers each time you level a substantial acreage of equatorial forest to build the necessary production facilities for your clothing label and fragrance line, but for some reason, you haven’t taken the plunge. Well, trust us when we say that outfitting your work crews with state-of-the-art solar paneling is worth every cent. When your fleet of shimmering, energy-efficient bulldozers comes roaring over the hill, ready to create hundreds of new jobs for penny-wage children, you’ll see the posters decrying your “horrific environmental abuses” and “criminal disregard for OSHA regulations” slowly go down. The protesters will disperse. You will have won them over with this grand gesture of forward-thinking environmental advocacy.

“But I need to send my work crews into dense mangrove thickets and previously protected wetlands,” you may be saying. “How will my new green bulldozers operate if sunlight can’t reach their panels?” That’s an excellent question, but we assure you there is no cause for concern. Each eco-friendly earth-mover has an on-board diesel generator that will provide the necessary power until enough of the jungle canopy has been cleared away to activate the solar paneling. The generators’ emissions were graded “acceptable” by the EPA, a rating we’ve prominently displayed on each unit so everyone can see you’ve got Mother Earth’s best interests in mind as you build your new designer male accessories factory. Each generator also comes with a conversion kit that allows you to install a wood gasifier so you can keep your bulldozers running in a pinch simply by burning all the uprooted trees that would otherwise go to waste.

If you thought the construction of a textile plant couldn’t possibly get more Earth-conscious, think again! Each eco-dozer comes equipped with a Go-Pro camera complete with the latest facial recognition technology, allowing your work crews to automatically document every species that explodes from the bushes and trees, fleeing the relentless metal teeth of conservation. The animals are cataloged in a database you can access at any time from your smartphone, letting you know exactly how close each species is to extinction. You can even compose a tweet about their plight directly from the app! It’s important to use your platform to spread awareness about every new environmental crisis, and you will see the appreciation of your efforts in the thousands of likes and retweets—and, of course, in the astronomical sales of your environmentally-friendly handbags.

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