Transform Your Body By Getting Into This Machine And Not Asking Any Questions
Have you ever looked at your human body and thought “Ew, this lumbering carcass that encases my intellect is much too large and bothersome”? Well, with my revolutionary three-step method, you’ll see the pounds melt away in just three minutes. Many advertisers promise to give you less body quickly and with minimal effort, but no one can transform your body the way my amazing program can. All you have to do is follow my patented* three-step process.
Step 1: Get In My Machine
Step one is to step into my totally normal and not at all menacing-looking machine. Do not let all of the saws and needles inside frighten you, as they are merely for aesthetic value. Take a deep breath and relax.
That’s it! Getting into the machine is the hard part (besides the extreme pain, anal bleeding, and risk of blindness). After just three minutes in my machine on one dark and stormy night, you will have the body you have always desired! (It has to be stormy because lightening is an integral part of the process, and darkness really seems to reduce the screaming.)
When you emerge from the machine, you will no longer possess your undesirable human body. You will be given a superior body. Yes, most superior indeed. Perhaps you would like to have more body in a specific area, like your chest, buttocks, or eyeball. This is also an option for your amazing transformation! Doesn’t that sound appealing? Unfortunately, I can’t specifically pinpoint which part of your body the process will enhance. I promise it will be a good one, but unfortunately, you can’t ask any additional questions because …
Step 2: DO NOT Ask Any Questions
Now, I know what you’re probably thinking “This amazing, body-transforming process must be very costly. Can I afford it?” The answer is, of course, that I cannot disclose the cost because step two of the process specifically entails not asking any questions.
Why can’t you ask any questions? And what exactly are these intricate legal consent forms for? Why is there another machine with a terrified-looking animal trapped inside it right beside my machine? These are some of the questions you will not be allowed to ask for fear of disrupting this complicated medical process.
Step 3: Satisfaction Survey
For completely unrelated reasons, you will be given a short survey upon exiting the machine asking how comfortable you are with things like heights, water, and eating your food by vomiting your digestive acid over it before consumption. I will then follow up with you over the coming weeks to see if your feelings on any of these topics change.
Just think of everything you can do with your newly transformed body: jump very high, hide in tightly enclosed spaces, or fly with your news wings. The world is your oyster! If my machine works correctly, you could be part oyster.
*Process not actually patented until those narcs at the patent office get over it.