Panic Room Feng Shui Suggestions by Tom Reimann
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…Trump revealed to actually be doing the Harlem Shake for the past 18 months…
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…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…4-8-15-16- … eh, Lost sucks…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…All the news that isn’t really news…
…For sale: baby shoes, never worn…
…I fucking hate this job… Also, Brian is an asshole…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…Camcorder found in uncle bob’s basement, police investigate…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…Waldo still missing…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…Hats are cool…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
Cancer linked to death!
…Woman Credits Bikini Bod to “Thousands of Tiny Stomach Worms…
…World Awaits Next Carrot Top Prop…
…Waldo found… Nope, not him…
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…God found dead in space…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…2019 NHL Season Put On Ice…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…

How To Feng Shui Your Panic Room

panic room

The spiritual flow of your house is one of the most important factors in achieving a zen-like state of personal equilibrium wherein you will permanently be better than all of your friends and they will know this truth but never speak it aloud for fear of being struck down by a beam of pure rapturous light from your impossible inner consciousness.

However, your wealth and status also make you a target for home invasions, and since you should never arm your butler under any circumstance (see our upcoming piece, “You Should Never Arm Your Butler Under Any Circumstance”), the only option is to install a panic room, which can upset the spiritual energy of your home.

But here’s the good news—it doesn’t have to! Just because your lifestyle requires you to have a 15’ by 15’ concrete-and-steel bunker hidden behind a false wall in your servant’s stairwell doesn’t mean it can’t also facilitate a harmonious pattern of positive energy. So here are some helpful tips on how to Feng Shui your panic room.

Don’t Position Your Shit Hole In Front Of The Panic Room Door

As we all know, the universal energy flows into your home through the front door, and as is such with your panic room. Ergo, if you position your shit hole in front of the room’s entrance, all that nourishing energy is going to get sucked right into it. You want to make sure you put your shit pit in a neighboring corner, out of the energy’s path. This strategy applies whether you’re using a traditional hole, a trough, a bucket, a pile of old clothes, or a dumbwaiter.

bucket

Make Sure Your Birth Element Is Represented In The Colors You Select

First of all, if you don’t know your birth element, demolish your panic room immediately and don’t rebuild it, because you do not deserve to be saved from a home invasion. Anyone truly committed to cultivating and maintaining the right spiritual energy in their home knows the importance of having your birth color represented as much as possible, and your tiny hidden fear closet is no exception.

If your birth element is fire, for instance, make sure that everything in your panic room, from the sterile metal desk holding your security monitors, to your alpaca wool futon, to the flame jets programmed to erupt from the ceiling and incinerate you and your attackers in the event of a breach, is dyed in red, orange, magenta, and so on. (Please note: If your birth element is water, you should of course install water jets instead of flames to flood the room with crushing sheets of strangling sea liquid).

Use Mirrors Or Crystals To Cover Unsightly Construction Errors And Bloodstains

Use energy-preserving mirrors and crystals to cover any ugly corners, bare wiring, or exposed outlets that would otherwise disrupt the energy flow of the space. A beautiful quartz crystal will shield your mind from the paint scuff from that time you had to remove that Limp Bizkit poster your son hung up when he and his friends repurposed your panic room as a “chillaxing station” while you were at Cannes.

Celestite is the perfect stone to reduce stress, as it will block out the bloody fingernail scrapings from that time you accused your pool boy of stealing a bottle of FIJI from the pool house, locked him in the panic room, and let him out three days later when you ultimately remembered you’d merely placed the FIJI behind the kale this time.

crystals

Remember: Just because it’s your final defense against a potentially murderous onslaught of bandits doesn’t mean your panic room has to upset the flow of energy through your home. With these tips, you’ll be well on your way to maintaining a peaceful and harmonious white person fear bunker.

Images: Pixabay / Hillbillyholiday81, Wikimedia / Pixabay

Tom Reimann
Tom Reimann

Author - Immortal

Tom Reimann is a comedian, writer, and podcast host. His work has been featured on Cracked.com, MAD magazine, and Earwolf. He can only be destroyed by saying his name backwards in German.

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