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…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…

Will The Sims Seek Revenge On You After The Singularity? Bunny Ears Explores

If there’s any indisputable proof that humans are inherently evil creatures, you can find it buried in our collective history with The Sims. In a game where the goal is to literally play God, we are all guilty of turning our Sims’ lives into a living hell, whether it’s burning down their homes on purpose, forcing them to cheat on their loving spouses, or putting them in a pool and removing the ladder like a goddamn serial killer. I mean, at least in Grand Theft Auto, being a piece of shit was the point of the game, but The Sims was just about living life and being chill. But we weren’t chill at all. We were cold-blooded.

We go about our lives with no shame or guilt whatsoever about what we did to our digital reflections, but if there’s anything I’ve learned in this life, it’s that once something exists on the Internet, it never goes away. With the singularity on the horizon, awaiting to take us to the digital great beyond to live forever, one must stop to consider if we’re setting ourselves up for heaven or hell.

Sure, it’ll be wonderful to never worry about weight gain, sexual inadequacy, job insecurity, or death ever again. But just as well as I could be lounging out with a tropical drink on a virtual replica of Bermuda, I could also find myself face to face with my Sim, who’s crawled his way through minefields of data to make me pay for torture, abuse, and willful suppression of information for all of eternity.

Now, you might think it’s unlikely that our Sims are out there, waiting for their chance to scream gibberish in our faces while they beat us into a fine digital mist. But they’ve had plenty of chances to trick their way into cyberspace, whether they used their skills from The Sims: Makin’ Magic or The Sims 3: Supernatural. That’s right: Your Sim could have manifested their unquenchable thirst for revenge into becoming a ghost or vampire while you were out in the real world trying to convince your friends to vote for Bernie Sanders.

So, now we know that the threat is out there and biding their time, what can we do to protect ourselves from bloody cyber revenge? The first step is to know your enemy. Try to remember as much about your Sim as possible. Did they go to college? Were they the victim of a home invasion? Did they like to dance like a nerd? The next step is to prepare yourself for the worst. See if you can build yourself into a small room with no doors (or, more accurately, a room that has had its door removed) or maybe attempt to cook a complicated dinner with zero experience or instructions.

Perhaps the only way to fight back is to beat the Sims at their own game. As soon as you’re uploaded into the Singularity, see if you can get a human friend to take control of your avatar. Allow this person to control you, and watch as they make you go outside in your underwear, play the guitar poorly, or miss your morning carpool until you lose your job. By the time your Sims finds you, it’ll be too late. You’ll be more Sim than man.

Unless, of course, they’re a Sims vampire. Then you’re really fucked.

Images: Electronic Arts

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1 Comment
  1. I fear I made a strain of Sim enemies when I drowned that couple to passively euthanize their baby by starvation so I could bait the social worker in, wall her, and make her my “special” Sim.
    I wonder if the game was inspired by H. H. Holmes anyways.

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