Will The Sims Seek Revenge On You After The Singularity?
…Waldo still missing…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Newest Gaming Trend: Personal Space…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…Queen Kong???…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…RIP KOKO…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…Police Discover Two Bodies In Witch’s Oven…
…Hillary Clinton Still Roaming The Woods…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
… Red and Yellow Is The New Black…
…Corks Found To Only Be Holding Things Back…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…Secret Ingredient To Sushi Discovered: FISH…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…Murder Victim Speaks Out…
…City Announces Subway Being Rebranded As “Uber Metro”…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Vacuums Suck…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…God found dead in space…
…Trump Asks Media “What’s A Tariff?”…
Cancer linked to death!
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…Hats are cool…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…Snow Is Just Rain That Forgot To Melt…
…BREAKING NEWS: Dumb Is Spelled With A ‘B’…
…Teeth Found To Be Tongue Prison…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…Supreme Court Rules: We Rule! …
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…Psychic Predicts World Already Over…
…Man Wakes Up From 10 Year Coma, Asks, “What’s Up With Lance Armstrong?”…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…

Will The Sims Seek Revenge On You After The Singularity? Bunny Ears Explores

If there’s any indisputable proof that humans are inherently evil creatures, you can find it buried in our collective history with The Sims. In a game where the goal is to literally play God, we are all guilty of turning our Sims’ lives into a living hell, whether it’s burning down their homes on purpose, forcing them to cheat on their loving spouses, or putting them in a pool and removing the ladder like a goddamn serial killer. I mean, at least in Grand Theft Auto, being a piece of shit was the point of the game, but The Sims was just about living life and being chill. But we weren’t chill at all. We were cold-blooded.

We go about our lives with no shame or guilt whatsoever about what we did to our digital reflections, but if there’s anything I’ve learned in this life, it’s that once something exists on the Internet, it never goes away. With the singularity on the horizon, awaiting to take us to the digital great beyond to live forever, one must stop to consider if we’re setting ourselves up for heaven or hell.

Sure, it’ll be wonderful to never worry about weight gain, sexual inadequacy, job insecurity, or death ever again. But just as well as I could be lounging out with a tropical drink on a virtual replica of Bermuda, I could also find myself face to face with my Sim, who’s crawled his way through minefields of data to make me pay for torture, abuse, and willful suppression of information for all of eternity.

Now, you might think it’s unlikely that our Sims are out there, waiting for their chance to scream gibberish in our faces while they beat us into a fine digital mist. But they’ve had plenty of chances to trick their way into cyberspace, whether they used their skills from The Sims: Makin’ Magic or The Sims 3: Supernatural. That’s right: Your Sim could have manifested their unquenchable thirst for revenge into becoming a ghost or vampire while you were out in the real world trying to convince your friends to vote for Bernie Sanders.

So, now we know that the threat is out there and biding their time, what can we do to protect ourselves from bloody cyber revenge? The first step is to know your enemy. Try to remember as much about your Sim as possible. Did they go to college? Were they the victim of a home invasion? Did they like to dance like a nerd? The next step is to prepare yourself for the worst. See if you can build yourself into a small room with no doors (or, more accurately, a room that has had its door removed) or maybe attempt to cook a complicated dinner with zero experience or instructions.

Perhaps the only way to fight back is to beat the Sims at their own game. As soon as you’re uploaded into the Singularity, see if you can get a human friend to take control of your avatar. Allow this person to control you, and watch as they make you go outside in your underwear, play the guitar poorly, or miss your morning carpool until you lose your job. By the time your Sims finds you, it’ll be too late. You’ll be more Sim than man.

Unless, of course, they’re a Sims vampire. Then you’re really fucked.

Images: Electronic Arts

Ken Hanley
Ken Hanley

Author - Not The Chucky Doll

The former editor-in-chief of FANGORIA, Ken Hanley is the author of "The I in Evil," the former producer of the "We'll See You in Hell" podcast, and the host of the Montclair State University horror lecture series "Friday Night Frights." A sometimes-screenwriter, he is also the self-proclaimed champion of Bye Bye Man Twitter. Suck on that, BunnyEars Contributor Madeleine Koestner!

1 Comment
  1. I fear I made a strain of Sim enemies when I drowned that couple to passively euthanize their baby by starvation so I could bait the social worker in, wall her, and make her my “special” Sim.
    I wonder if the game was inspired by H. H. Holmes anyways.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.