If there’s any indisputable proof that humans are inherently evil creatures, you can find it buried in our collective history with The Sims. In a game where the goal is to literally play God, we are all guilty of turning our Sims’ lives into a living hell, whether it’s burning down their homes on purpose, forcing them to cheat on their loving spouses, or putting them in a pool and removing the ladder like a goddamn serial killer. I mean, at least in Grand Theft Auto, being a piece of shit was the point of the game, but The Sims was just about living life and being chill. But we weren’t chill at all. We were cold-blooded.
We go about our lives with no shame or guilt whatsoever about what we did to our digital reflections, but if there’s anything I’ve learned in this life, it’s that once something exists on the Internet, it never goes away. With the singularity on the horizon, awaiting to take us to the digital great beyond to live forever, one must stop to consider if we’re setting ourselves up for heaven or hell.
Sure, it’ll be wonderful to never worry about weight gain, sexual inadequacy, job insecurity, or death ever again. But just as well as I could be lounging out with a tropical drink on a virtual replica of Bermuda, I could also find myself face to face with my Sim, who’s crawled his way through minefields of data to make me pay for torture, abuse, and willful suppression of information for all of eternity.
Now, you might think it’s unlikely that our Sims are out there, waiting for their chance to scream gibberish in our faces while they beat us into a fine digital mist. But they’ve had plenty of chances to trick their way into cyberspace, whether they used their skills from The Sims: Makin’ Magic or The Sims 3: Supernatural. That’s right: Your Sim could have manifested their unquenchable thirst for revenge into becoming a ghost or vampire while you were out in the real world trying to convince your friends to vote for Bernie Sanders.
So, now we know that the threat is out there and biding their time, what can we do to protect ourselves from bloody cyber revenge? The first step is to know your enemy. Try to remember as much about your Sim as possible. Did they go to college? Were they the victim of a home invasion? Did they like to dance like a nerd? The next step is to prepare yourself for the worst. See if you can build yourself into a small room with no doors (or, more accurately, a room that has had its door removed) or maybe attempt to cook a complicated dinner with zero experience or instructions.
Perhaps the only way to fight back is to beat the Sims at their own game. As soon as you’re uploaded into the Singularity, see if you can get a human friend to take control of your avatar. Allow this person to control you, and watch as they make you go outside in your underwear, play the guitar poorly, or miss your morning carpool until you lose your job. By the time your Sims finds you, it’ll be too late. You’ll be more Sim than man.
Unless, of course, they’re a Sims vampire. Then you’re really fucked.
Images: Electronic Arts