I Tried The Rhythm Method But I Chose 4/4 Time So I Got Pregnant With A Ska Band

November 27, 2019 by , featured in Parenting
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I first heard about the rhythm method from a friend who was trying to family plan without the use of conventional forms of birth control. Unfortunately, I didn’t press for more details. Instead, I went home and had sex using my preferred rhythm of choice: 4/4 time. A few weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant with a ska band.

Too Many Mouths to Feed

Turns out using 4/4 rhythm had zero impact on my fertility (and also turns out male sperm can remain alive and viable in your body for up to five days after ejaculation, not unlike that trombone player who asked to crash on your couch “just for the night” and stayed almost a full week). 

Imagine my surprise when I found out I was expecting not one, not two, but seven kids! Not only was I pregnant with septuplets, but after my first sonogram the doctor confirmed that they had already formed a ska band. 

Nine months later I gave birth to Rudy, Walt, Aaron, Rudy, Tim, Toots, and Monique. Their little brass instruments and tiny checkerboard Vans fills my heart with so much love, and I’m truly grateful. Plus, it could’ve been so much worse. I could have given birth to a Nü Metal band (I’ve heard turntables are worse to pass than placenta).

A Better Place, a Better Time

The children have brought unspeakable joy to my life. When I’m not toting tiny saxophone cases to Gymboree, hearing the pitter-patter of their little feet skanking off to bed, or washing their Dickies shorts, I’m endlessly entertained by their irreverent banter. I can’t imagine my life devoid of the upbeat horns, offbeat lyrics, and downbeat tempos my kids give me every single day.

I’m not sorry I tried the rhythm method in 4/4 time, because having a ska band has truly been a blessing. Speaking of which, I should probably sign off because school will be out soon and the band will be waiting. 

Images: Unsplash

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